Just Another Rodeomom

Geez it has been a long time

2008-02-28T21:55:00.003-05:00

I haven't really avoided my journal, there just seems to be so much more to do these days.

Monday was a very difficult day. It started out with notification that my dear friend, Alicia Dupler, had only 24 hours to live. She had been fighting cancer for years and was so weak and so sick. At 10pm, I got the call that she had passed. The week has been different for me. I cry for my loss in such an amazing woman and then I smile because I know that she is out of pain and that her body is whole again.

The last time I physically saw her was the Sunday before my ankle surgery. She was sick then too and in pain from the Chemo, but that didn't stop her from giving me a HUGE bear hug and praying for my surgery to be a success.

God heard her and answered her prayers. My cast is now off and I am in a walking boot and starting PT. The first night of PT was amazing. The therapist was actually able to give my ankle a DEEP muscle massage right over the Achilles tendon and it didn't hurt! WOW. He couldn't believe how much better the ankle looks compared to when I was at this point last time. It is very clear and evident that this surgery worked!

I am still working on several quilts. One of them is for a baby and I would really like to get it done before he graduates college. One is for my sister - I gave her part of it for Christmas so I should be getting it done soon. Another is a special order for a friend, she has paid a deposit so that puts the pressure on. I am also going to be showing our colt this spring and summer so I will need to make myself some Horse showy outfits. I won't do that until the last minute though because I am back in weight loss mode and should start losing the pounds and inches again.

I did send Mark (the guy from the last post) packing. I just couldn't handle his demands and the way he constantly sabatoged my efforts to lose weight. While I am nearly desparate for a man in my life, I am not so down that I will tolerate being abused or used in any way.

My dad is being stupid about the money for rent last summer. I know I owe him, but I just don't have it to give to him. I am praying that God will help me find a way to pay him so that I still have a place to live in April (he wants it by the end of March or I am out.

There are only 11 more days until I leave for my trip to San Antonio, curtosy of My Coke Rewards points. I haven't ever had a vacation to myself so I am very greatful that I was able to "earn" a free ticket. My buddy, Steph, is going to put me up for a week and we are just going to do what ever. The River Walk, the Alamo, Sew World??? I can't wait.

So, that is the jest of what is going on here in Ohio. Oh, it is very cold here these days and we keep getting snow storm after snow storm. Since I am still kinda laid up it doesn't bug me like it does others. It won't be long before people are complaining about the heat

Until next time....

Men Suck

2008-02-07T22:29:00.000-05:00

Yep, I said it. After being out of the dating loop for about 15 years I have joined the ranks again, only to rediscover why I left in the first place. Men are just egotistical, self-serving, jerks. As much as I like being held, having my back rubbed and having someone else pay for my dinners, I will not fall victim to the games some of these idiots want to play. Like the guy I have known for 3 weeks who now insists that he loves me and misses me every minute we are not together, and yet NEVER answers the phone when I call. All hell breaks loose though when I miss a call from him or when I am not feeling up to going out. I have a friggen cast on my ankle, I am not in the mood to go out every evening - why can't he get that. His insecurity is already weighing me down, like his fear that my dad doesn't like him or the call from a Brad that was a wrong number. Then, when I invite him to go with me and my church to an event he says no, ok fine, you don't have to go. I didn't realize that his saying that he didn't want to go was some strange language for I can't go either. What they heck ? I have been my own woman for 15 years, other than my daughter I haven't had anyone to answer to for my actions and if I want to go to a museum with my church, I will be DAMNED if I am going to let a man, any man let alone one I have only known for 3 weeks make me feel guilty because of it. UGH!!

I am so sick of being alone and I am afraid that my feeling alone is going to suck me into a bad realtionship. What am I saying, I have already started one and I am afraid to let it go. All because I don't want to be alone again.

And people wonder why I turn to food for comfort. Well, not this time. Food is the enemy and is not going to comfort me. It will only hurt me and sabatoge my efforts to become the person that I have longed to be all my life.

Feeling Better

2008-01-26T14:14:00.000-05:00

Isn't amazing how discussing issues with a friend and discovering that you are not the only one dealing with a particular issue relieves so much of the stress associated with that issue? That is what happened to me this morning when I talked to my buddy in San Antonio. She is also dealing with issues that surround staying on the Medifast program and admitted that she "cheated" yesterday. Since I haven't had a full day truly on plan since before my surgery, I have been feeling like a complete loser, but knowing that she is struggling too makes me feel a little better. It isn't like I want her to fail, but at least I know that I am not alone with this.

I also found that researching Borderline (BPD) yesterday and going over everything about it again, helped me deal the emotions I am dealing with right now. I have always known that BPD is always going to be a part of my life, but I hadn't had to deal with it for a while so I forgot many of my coping mechanisms. Putting those mechanisms to work and opening up myself a little has made the coping a little easier. The emotions and struggles are still there, but I am able separate them from each other so they are not so overwhelming. All of this is exhausting, but at least I am off of the proverbial ledge now.

Being able to post some new pics of my weight loss was also uplifting. Sometimes I feel like I am fishing for amazing reactions, but those reactions help me focus on the program a little more. Knowing that others are seeing the changes in my body and that it isn't just a figment of my imagination makes it all real.

Goals for this week.... as usual, I have quilts that need to be worked on, 3 consecutive days if 100% compliance to the program, I think those are enough to keep me busy and focused.

A Gentle Reminder to Me

2008-01-25T16:04:00.000-05:00

The Mercurial Personality Style

Intensely committed to meeting life head on, this style takes action to make its dreams a reality. They wear their emotions on their sleeves, seeking the highs of passionate romance. This unconstrained style is a risk-taker, imaginative, curious, uninhibited, and engaging.

One of the signs of this style is a tendency to be moody and difficult to approach at times. The roller-coaster style of high-energy, constant motion, intense reactions, and changing passions can leave companions drained and overwhelmed. It can be difficult for those with this style to maintain a long-term relationship. Instead, their connections can be passionate and wonderful for a while but then transform into conflict and disenchantment. It can take a special commitment to be able to hold on with this style for the long haul.

Impulse control can be a challenge for those with the Mercurial Style. They sometimes confuse being authentic with unthinkingly voicing and acting on their emotions — no matter how inappropriate those sentiments or actions might be. They like to try new things and feel it is important to have their friends try them, too. Planning is not for them. Flexibility and ability to "go with the flow" is what is important. They never know when something new and exciting might pop up, and they don't want to miss it. At work, they can make creative contributions, but they need to be recognized for the work they do or else they lose interest.

A fictional character that fits this style well is Vivian played by Julia Roberts in the 1990 movie Pretty Woman. The simple plot of the movie is that a businessman (Richard Gere) needs a woman to go with him for several official evening functions. His solution is to hire a beautiful prostitute rather than endure the complications of asking one of the women of his acquaintance. The story shows how the two fall in love with each other. Vivian is unquestionably Mercurial: fun-loving, enthusiastic, charming, and willing to take a chance to pull off the charade. As the movie unfolds, the viewer can see the intensity of her growing connection with the businessman, the strength of the attachment they forge, the despair caused by the eventual friction between them, and the glory of their final reconciliation.

Borderline....

Borderline personality disorder is often a devastating mental condition, both for the people who have it and for those around them.

Perhaps shaped by harmful childhood experiences or brain dysfunctions, people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder live in a world of inner and outer turmoil. They have difficulty regulating their emotions and are often in a state of upheaval. They have distorted images of themselves, often feeling worthless and fundamentally bad or damaged.

And while they yearn for loving relationships, people with borderline personality disorder typically find that their anger, impulsivity, stormy attachments and frequent mood swings push others away.
Over the last 10 years, increasing awareness and research are helping improve the treatment and understanding of borderline personality disorder. At the same time, it remains a controversial condition, particularly since so many more women than men are diagnosed with it, raising questions about gender bias. Although definitive data are lacking, it's estimated that 1 percent to 2 percent of American adults have borderline personality disorder (BPD). It occurs in about one in every 33 women, compared with one in every 100 men, and is usually diagnosed in early adulthood.

Contrary to lingering perceptions, emerging evidence indicates that people with BPD often get better over time and that they can live happy, peaceful lives.

Signs and symptoms

Borderline personality disorder affects how people feel about themselves, how they relate to others and how they behave.

People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all. This unstable self-image can lead to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.

Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.

In addition, people with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior. This behavior often winds up hurting them, whether emotionally, financially or physically. For instance, they may drive recklessly, engage in unsafe sex, take illicit drugs or go on spending or gambling sprees. People with BPD also often engage in suicidal behavior or deliberately injure themselves for emotional relief.

Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Fear of being alone

Self-care

Living with borderline personality disorder can be difficult. You may fully realize that your behaviors and thoughts are self-destructive or damaging yet feel unable to control them. Treatment can help you learn skills to manage and cope with your condition.

Other things you can do to help manage your condition and feel better about yourself include:
Sticking to your treatment plan
Attending therapy sessions as scheduled
Practicing healthy ways to ease painful emotions, rather than inflicting self-injury
Not blaming yourself for having the disorder but recognizing your responsibility to get it treated
Learning what things may trigger angry outbursts or impulsive behavior
Not being embarrassed by having this condition
Getting treatment for related problems, such as substance abuse
Educating yourself about the disorder so you understand its causes and treatments better
Reaching out to others with the disorder to share insights and experiences

Remember, there's no one right path to recovery from BPD. The condition seems to be worse in young adulthood and may gradually get better with age. Many people with the disorder find greater stability in their lives during their 30s and 40s. Their inner misery may lessen and they go on to sustain loving relationships and enjoy meaningful careers.

Taken from.... http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder

Boring Saturday

2008-01-19T16:37:00.000-05:00

Yep, that is what today is, just a boring Saturday. Usually, I am up in Mansfield with Deanna. Well, not actually "with" her really since she is snowboarding and I am sitting by the fire reading a book or at the mall or fabric store spending money I don't have, but you know what I mean. Today, my parents wanted to take her. I am sure there is more to the whole situation than just wanting to take her up there, but who knows with them. They have actually had the balls to say that they think I am a bad influence on my own daughter. She confessed that she had been less than honest with them on a few occasions and instead of that being all about her it turned into this argument over how I must be teaching her how to lie and encouraging her to it. Like a 16 year old needs to be trained in the art of lieing.

I guess it has been kind of nice to have the house to myself all day. Even though I know that everyone else knows that I am limited right now due to my surgery, I still feel like my mom is breathing down my neck to do something useful with myself instead of just watching TV or reading a book. My mother is the queen of guilt trips. So, I have watched a few hours of America's Next Top Model and What Not to Wear. I am starting to give myself a guilt trip about not being at the sewing machine getting some of those quilts done. Oh well, they will be there when I am ready.

I am such a cheater...

2008-01-17T14:46:00.000-05:00

Well, the title says it all and I have no excuse that is solid enough to stand on. Just when I was getting over the hunger issues and feeling like I was fully back into ketosis for the first time since my surgery, I cheated. Not just a little one either - a great big, flat out, no holds barred cheat. I just started dating a new guy. We have seen each other three times in that last three days. The first time we went to breakfast so I just got a veggie omelet, no problem - completely on plan. Well last night he took me to the Cracker Barrel and I started out great. I had roast beef, with salad and green beens off of the low carb section of the menu. I even let him have my biscuit. Then the waitress walked by with a dish of apple cobbler a la mode and I caved. Yup - I ordered one, but I only ate half. Still, I know that was way more than I can even think about getting away with. Then, today, he took me to Chinese, and I did it again. Well not dessert, but I know what I had was NOT allowed on the plan. I just hate to go out to eat and be so limited. When I am at home, I have no problems having MF supplements all day and eating a lean and green with my family. Now someone is taking me out to meals and I hate being a "picky" customer. This has got to stop though. I kinda like this guy and I don't want to stop going out with him, so I have got to come up with another way to handle the situation. Somehow, I have got to be able to order stuff that is on plan. This will take some thought and good old fashioned will power, but I HAVE to do it.

Alicia is still in the hospital, but she is doing a little better. I continue to pray for her healing everyday. She has asked not to have visitors, and I am trying to respect that, but I really want to see her.

While my ankle situation is a continuous drain on my energy and emotions, I am doing well. The pain is not so pronounced and I am able to get through the day with fewer pain pills than before the surgery. Not completely pain free, but already better than before which is a relief. The pain will increase again when Physical therapy starts, I am sure of that, but the end goal of PT will be strength and no pain. Still looks like March before I am even thinking about looking for a job again.

Goals...
I did accomplish my goal of getting the diaper bag done for my friend to give to her daughter before the baby is born. I now have 3 quilts in various stages of "development", I would like to have Deanna's boyfriend's done to give to him on Saturday. This is a conceivable goal. My sister's is still incommplete so I need to get working on it, I should try to finish it by the end of the month. The last one I cut out is still just cut out with no sewing done on it at all and I have a baby quilt that isn't even started. Needless to say, I should be sewing. So I am getting off of here to do just that.

Good Days and Bad Days

2008-01-13T21:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know it is my fault, but today has not been a good one as far as my ankle is concerned. The problem is that I have good days when I am feeling great and in very little pain so I get out and do stuff - anything to get out of the house. Well, as usual, I overdid it yesterday. Deanna and I went up to Mansfield and spent the day with her boyfriend's family. We really basically just hung out at their house, but I was the one that drove for an hour both ways. The way up wasn't bad because I drove with my left foot and swung my right leg over the console to keep it up. The way home was when I made my mistake by using the toes on my right foot to push the gas and my left foot for the brake. I really didn't think it would make such a HUGE difference, but it did. My Achilles tendon has been screaming at me all day today.

On a sad note, a very dear friend of mine is very sick. She has been fighting stage 4, non-operable, metastatic breast cancer for several years now and even though she had been in remission it has returned. At her last appointment she was told that she is near the end of her options save for some experimental treatments. She will do anything, but now is suffering from a complicating pneumonia infection and is in the hospital. I have watched her fight this now for over a year (since I met her) and her faith in our loving and caring God has never waivered. She has stayed strong and walked through this with such grace that I am awe struck to even think about it. It is at times like these when I struggle with the way things are in the world. I am so tempted to get angry at God and scream and yell, "WHY?" When she was in remission, she gave all the thanks and glory to God, she was a living testimony to His healing powers. Why does she have to suffer through this? Why does her family have to watch her go through this and worry about losing her? She has a son that is a junior in high school and one that is in college, they are acting strong, but I know they are crying inside. Anyway, I wanted to put this in here to honor my friend Alicia Dupler and her fight against this horrible cancer.

I cannot think of my goals for the week right now. I guess I am too consumed by grief over Alicia's situation and my own pain to consider that today. I did get my doctor's scrub shirts done last week, and I got strips for anothe quilt cut out. Now I have 3 quilts to finish, an order for a tote bag and that diaper bag still needs to get sewn. Too much to think about right now.

Dear God, You know my heart is broken over Alicia and her circumstances. Right now I just pray that You will make your presence known to her in her hospital room. Wrap Your loving arms around her and quite her soul. Allow her to rest in Your lap tonight so that she will have the strength to fight her infection. Breath Your living breath into her lungs in order to heal her of the bacteria that has invaded them. Touch her body and reduce the size of the tumors on her liver and the cancer that is swimming in her blood and poisoning her bone marrow. Only You, Dear Heavenly Father, can heal her! I believe that You can. May Your will be done with this situation Lord. Please also be with Jim, Nathan and Blake. Wrap them also in Your loving embrace. Calm their spirits and their fears and let them know that You are in control. May all the honor and glory be unto You for the saving grace that You offer through Your Holy Son Jesus Christ. In His name I pray..... Amen

Be strong Alicia - don't give up my friend.

FREEDOM - at last

2008-01-11T18:47:00.000-05:00

Wow, how great it was to get OUT OF THE HOUSE yesterday and by myself at that! My mom had a doctor's appointment at the same time mine was and I am not keen on hanging out with my dad these days so I decided to drive myself to see Dr Janis. He had the nurse take all of the stiches out (I think I counted something like 50 or so) and put me in a hard cast. At first the cast hurt because I had to hang my foot over the table while it dried, but as soon as I was able to get my foot propped up again the swelling went down and I was fine.

Actually, I was too fine, because I felt good enough to take advantage of my freedom and stop at a few stores. After a few hours on my little knee scooter, I was pretty drained and getting a little sore. I can't believe how fast I pooped out though. Most of the time, I am a typical "shop till you drop" kinda woman and it usually takes all day for me to drop, but I got tired in just a few hours. Anyway, I got what I needed; some fabric, sweats for my daughter, some summer clothes on super duper clearance for me. I paid for all that activity today though. While my ankle doesn't really hurt, my knee (the one I use to kneel on the scooter with), my hips and my back are pretty sore. Oh well, I still think it was worth it all to get out.

I need to check the SnowTrails Website to see if they will be open tomorrow. The weather here had sucked for anyone who likes winter. We have had nothing but grey rain and gloom for the past few days. Deanna is hoping that it will be cold enough tonight for them to crank up the snow making machines for opening tomorrow. We'll see I suppose. She has some stuff to get done in the barn in the morning anyway. One of the horses, the colt she named Cash, keeps getting out of our pasture into the neighbor's pasture while it isn't the end of the world, it would be nice if he would stay home. The fence needs fixed where he is getting out and he is full of burrs which need to be brushed/combed/cut out of his tail and mane. That will take some time for her to do. I would do it but, alas I can't and believe me I would like to. I miss being out with the horses!

Well, that is all to report for now. Time for a hot bath, a cozy blanket and a good book.

Cabin Fever

2008-01-09T14:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know that many people suffer from what we call "cabin fever" during this time of the year. Most often that is because the weather sucks and forces us to stay inside. I was actually happy that my surgery was schedualed in December for that very reason. Well, just to prove that He has a sense of humor God has decided to play a trick on me. The weather in Central Ohio for the last 3 days has included record highs and sunny skies. I mean good grief, it looks like spring out there. Unfortunatly, I can't enjoy it... really. I have decided that I want to show one of our horses this summer. In order to do that he will need some work -- training and conditioning - can I do that right now? NO. And why is that? Because I can only stand on my left leg and my right ankle aches when I stand for too long. UGH! So, I am suffering from a HUGE and SEVERE case of cabin fever.

This morning I thought I was going to go completely loopy if I had to watch just one more minute of TV so I did something about it. I went to the mall ------ by myself. I drive a small SUV (Isuzu Rodeo) which has a low console in the front. I swung my right leg over the console and used my left foot to work the brake and gas. It didn't take long to get the hang of it and in the long run it was worth it. Aero had some mega 70% off of the clearance price sales so I got some cute summer shirts in what is going to me my new size by then. Another store, Goodies, also had some mega sales which netted me some shirts and shorts for a couple bucks each. Nothing like spending money on oneself to boost the spirits.

Because I spent some time away from home I was able to succesfully battle some cravings for foods I am not allowed to have on my program. I have discovered that being stuck on the couch unable to do anything even remotely constructive can be hugely destructive! Now, I must hit the sewing machine and finish those scrubs shirts I have started for my doc so I can give them to him tomorrow.

Goals for today and tomorrow -- 1. finish doc's shirts. 2. at least complete sister's quilt top 3. get diaper bag done for friend before baby is born 4. get fabric cut for baby quilt.
5 STAY ON PROGRAM!

Just Feel Like Pouting

2008-01-08T18:26:00.000-05:00

Well, maybe "pouting" isn't quite the right word, maybe "sulking" is more accurate. I am suffering from a case of cabin fever from being shut in the house at least days a week since my surgery. The only time I get out is when I go to my doctor's appointments and to ride with my daughter to Mansfield to go snowboarding. We did go to church on Sunday and that was nice, but I would have liked to stay for the class after church and Deanna wanted to go home, so we went home. While I am doing my best to keep busy by sewing or working on other projects, I can't sit at the machine for too long without causing pain or at least discomfort in my ankle, hip and back. I found myself on the couch watching mindless TV shows all day today. This isn't like me at all! Since I started my nutrition program I have been active by working in the barn, bringing in firewood or walking at the nearby arboritum, but I can't do any of that right now because of my ankle surgery. The whole farm is one big mud pit right now so I can't even work my way out to the barn to say hi to the horses. At least if the ground were dry or (even better) frozen, my little scooter thing that I get around on would make it out to the barn. As it is I am pretty much stuck in the house or, at best, on the porch. I am not sure if I can do 4 more weeks of this without having a break down! I don't have much choice though do I ?

My parents are observing a sort of truce at this point, well they aren't yelling at each other at any rate. That might be because they really aren't speaking to each other either. I just hate the way my dad treat people in general, especially the way he treats my mom and the rest of us in the household. He acts like he is supreme ruler and we must all bow to his wishes, like it or not and when things don't go his way he just blows up. Nothing pleases him and I am really getting sick of living this way. I don't have any other options at this point, though, so I guess I will just have to deal with it.

I am fighting to stay with my nutrition program. The last time I had surgery I gained a bunch of weight which put my at my all time high of 313 pounds. I have lost about 70 pounds of that since I started the program on Sept 21, 2007, but I had to go off the plan for a time to prepare for surgery. If being off the plan didn't accomplish anything else, I at least learned that I am not ready to have "free rein" with food yet. I was hoping that I was going to be able to add a few more healthy calories and yet stay reasonable about eating. WRONG!! Even though I was aware of the potential for problems I let go too far. I over indulged in too many sweets which have always been my pitfall. My new goal for this program is to be able to "deal" with foods better when I get to a point that I am ready to start transition and maintenance.

This week is teaching me all about emotional eating and eating because of being bored. While this has been a struggle, I am at least learning something from it. If I can get through this time while I recover from the surgery, being stuck at home and unable to be active without succombing to my cravings for food, I will be able to use these lessons when I am off the program. Putting this all in a journal will make it easier for me to remind myself of my issues with food and emotional eating.

Goals for this week... 1. Finish the scrubs I am making for my doctor in time to take them to my appointment on Thursday.
2. Complete my sister's quilt to give to her on Sunday 3. Finish diaper bag my friend ordered for her daughter before the baby is born 4. Finish at least the top of the snowboarding quilt I started 5. stay on program

~What A Horrible Morning~

2008-01-04T12:53:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning to the sounds of my parents screaming at each other. My dad was actually saying the "F" word which is strictly taboo in our house. Such a fine way to start the day. In my heart of hearts I know that both of them would be so much happier apart. The older my dad gets the worse his attitude gets and the less concerned he is about other people's feelings. He really just doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself but he can't see that. I guess he can't see it because he is too wrapped up in himself to care.

On top of all that junk I slipped and landed on my bad ankle earlier. It really hurts now, but I don't think I did any damage. Since everyone else in my house is too wrapped up in beating each other down, I just kept the accident to myself, took a couple of pain pills and came down to vent on the computer. Right now it is still throbbing, but it hasn't been long enough for the pain killers to kick in. I suppose I will call the doctor's office later if it doesn't get better or if it gets any worse.

I am hoping to get something accomplished at the sewing machine today. My daughter's enthusiasm over her quilt lifted my spirits some. I had been so discouraged and frustrated lately over the basic failure of my purses and totes. I sunk a lot of cash into fabric and supplies to make a bunch of items only to discover that I can't sell them. With all the money and time I have wrapped up in them, I can't sell them for what Wal-Mart sells their stuff for and people just don't want to pay for the quality. Now I am broke and have two boxes of what is basically junk taking up room in my closet. With the mood that I am in now, I feel like just taking it all out to the burn pile a striking a match. I couldn't even get it right when I picked out fabric to make my neice a tote. When I showed it to my sister (her mom) she was not affraid to tell me that it was all wrong. UGH! So, anyway, I guess I will stop fretting over what went wrong and start working on what I know is going right. At this point that would be my sister's quilt. Her's is the next thing I would really like to get finished.

Goals for today...
1. complete the remaining blocks for sister's quilt.
2. remain on MF plan dispite the crushing urge to binge on anything to
supress some pretty yucky emotions.
3. get ankle pain under control

That should keep me busy for a while.

WOW! Been a while....

2008-01-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

OK, so I have not been very diligent at this blogging thing recently. With Christmas and the surgery time online has been limited. I did get Deanna's quilt done, but I had to give my sister just her quilt top and tell her to give it back to me so I can finish the quilt.

The surgery went well, but the pain level is still higher than before the procedure. I guess I am asking too much for it to be any lower only two weeks out.

We survivied Christmas, even though it was a slim one. The new year has come and with it time to ponder where I want my life to go from here. I would really like to see myself in meaningful relationship with a man by the end of 2008. Being alone in this world SUCKS and I am tired of it. Sure, I have family and a few friends, but I am still truely lonely and longing for a special man to enter into my life. Jan 2, 2008 was day one back on the Medifast plan. I had to take time off and add calories for the healing process due to the surgery. My intention for that time off was to basically be in a transition state, but I really went WAY off and indulged in some sweets and other "bad" foods.

With regard to my weight, my goal is to get to a point that I see food as a fuel and not as anything else. So many times, I look to food for comfort and that just has to stop. Sure, it is OK to enjoy what we eat, but I need to learn to eat to live not live to eat. I want to get to a place where I feel comfortable eating whatever it is I am eating in front of my family instead of being embarassed by what I am eating and trying to hide. Maybe my irrational brain is telling me that if nobody sees me eat it then it doesn't count. What a line of bull crap that is.

I want to continue my relationship with my buddy in TX and now I am starting a new support relationship with someone new in CA. My goal is to help them while they help me through the rough spots in the program. It would even be nice to be able to visit TX sometime.

Well, more on thoughts for the new year later. Time to put the foot up and ice it down.

Blessings to ALL in 2008.

Blah

2007-12-11T22:08:00.001-05:00

That is the way I feel right now - just blah. I had suspected that the guy I was communicating with online and on the phone was lieing to me about various things. What I discovered was that he was actually using the cell phone I gave him to call ME on to call 3 other women (all of whom thought that they were his "girlfriend". When I called to confront him about it he never answered his home phone (I had the cell turned off) so I left him a message. He had the nerve to have his older sister call me to threaten me that I better stop calling the numbers on the phone bill or "else". Or "else" what? They live in friggen Montana over 1500 mile from me, what is she going to drive out here to beat me up? His mom assures me that I will get the phone back AND that he will somehow pay for the minutes that he used which caused me to go over my plan. I hate men!

Medifasting has become a bore right now. Everything is starting to taste the same - even the L&G. I know that the food isn't changing and I think I am dealing more with a borderline or depression issue than I am with a MF issue. I am determined to stay on plan - even though I blew it the other night with some cookies (doggone my daughter for making them!)

To fight the depression, I am continuing to sew which is still enjoyable. I have been able to complete Deanna's quilt top (Pictured above) and am planning on starting one for my sister tomorrow. I also want to make myself some fun Christmasy flannel jammies to wear in the hospital next week when I have my surgery. If I get that done, I also want to make some skirts for my neices. Since I am completely broke, Christmas is going to have to be homemade this year. That sucks for my 16 year old daughter, I remember how lame homemade stuff was when I was her age, but I can't help it. I am just lucky to be able to say I have a place to live at this point.

A bright light in the darkness is that someone from the forum has offererd to "help" me for Christmas. She said that every year she tries to pick a family to help for Christmas and she wanted to help me. What a blessing that message was. She is going to send me a Visa gift card. I suppose it could only have $10 on it, but that is more than I have right now. I will give it to Deanna and let her pick out whatever she wants with it.

Well, off to pick out the fabrics for my next projects. Gotta keep busy or the gloom will take over.

First Goal Accomplished

2007-12-04T20:07:00.000-05:00

Well, I had set a goal to get that stocking order done and lo and behold I was able to get it done today! Now that I have those done, I am going to get started on my daughter's quilt. Since money is a huge issue this year, I am not going to be able to do much for her for Christmas, but I think I can finish the quilt for her. She recently became obsessed with zebras and the zebra coat pattern. A fabric store in our area went out of business this summer and they had some zebra print fabric on closeout. I got enough to do a number of things with since I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do with it at the time. As I was digging through my collection of fabrics I found two different leopard prints. With those and the zebra I have enough to make a Double Irish Chain quilt for her bed. Kohl's has some Zebra print sheets that I would really like to get, but I don't know if the money will be there or not.

My dad is still pressing me for the money I owe him, but not quite as hard as before. He had said that I was going to have to move out on December 7th if I didn't pay the whole thing in full. Now, he said that if I can give him $100 by Sat then I can stay through Christmas. Wasn't that sweet of him - yea right - that $100 might as well be $1,000,000 for all that it matters. I have a whole $7.00 to my name right now and won't get another WC check until next Thursday.

Deanna was sick all night last night so neither of us got much sleep. Must have been a 24 hour stomach bug or something. She didn't go to school, but she was feeling well enough this evening to go to her first day at her new job. Looks like she might get tomorrow off too, if the snow comes in like it has been predicted to.

This morning I went to PT and didn't have a great weigh in. Most everyone knows that I don't obsess over the numbers on the scale too much and this was no exception. The exercise I have been doing lately has probably added some muscle mass which would add weight since it weighs more than fat. The great news is that when I got off the scale and turned around a couple of ladies gushed all over me about my weight loss. I didn't even know these ladies, but we see each other everytime I go in for PT. Their reaction to me was more than enough to forget about the numbers on the scale. I got in my exercise today by doing both my barn chores and Deanna's since she was sick. I also hauled in about 10 arm loads of firewood from out by the shed. Since we are supposed to be getting snow, I wanted to make sure we had enough dry wood in the house to last us a little while.

Goals for tomorrow - cut fabric for Deanna's quilt, sew neice's picture tote and work on other prototypes, figure out fabric rose for MMT member who asked me to make some like in a photo of Marilyn Monroe. That should keep me busy all day.

Another Gloomy Day

2007-12-02T17:28:00.000-05:00

Leave it to Ohio to have the worst weather in the world! I am getting very tired of the gloomy, rainy days. If it is going to be cold outside, I wish it would just snow. The mud and muck is rediculous.

I did realized that when I don't come up with a bunch of excuses and other things to do, I actually can get a lot done in a little time at the sewing machine. Part of my hesitation to sew has been due to the lack of intrest in my "wares". Everyone was so supportive about me putting my purses and totes "on the market" and I got all excited about it. Problem is, nothing is selling - and I mean NOTHING! Now I have all these purses and totes made up and a bunch of money wrapped up in them and I can't even break even on them. This pisses my dad of since, in his opinion, I was able to purchase the supplies then I should have been able pay him the money I owe him. While this has some basis of truth to it, I thought that I would get a larger return on my investment, pay him off AND be able to provide a decent Christmas for my daughter. Instead, I can't do any of the above and I have an inventory of purses and totes that nobody wants to purchase.

On the up side of my life, we went to another horse awards banquet. There were several people there that hadn't seen me since I started my Medifast journey. I heard several "you look fantastic" comments which all brought a smile to my face and helped me stay away from the dessert table. I will have to say that last night was the toughest that I have spent trying to avoid cheating on the plan. Thank God for my daughter who did her best to convince me that nothing on the table was worth losing 3 days of weight loss over. She said that AS she is eating a little of everything that was up there. Oh what I wouldn't do for her metabolism. But, alas, I do not have her metabolism and so I continue with Medifast to become a healthier (and thus thinner) me.

Speaking of healthier, I am doing my best to focus on the health benefits of Medifast rather than the weight loss. My goal is to train my brain and my body to want to be healthy. I know one of the side effects of being healthy will ultimately be weight loss, but there is so much more. Being healthy will also mean less pain, more energy, and a longer life. Seeing my daughter become concerned about her body image when she is a junior's size 7 opened my eyes to what teenagers see and hear from everyone around them. Since she sees me being concerned about my weight, it would only be natural for her to follow suit. In focusing on being healthy, instead of being thin, I am hoping that she will follow that path and realize that a healthy lifestyle is much more important than a diet.

On the personal front, my relationship with my guy in Montana is waining. Loving someone is hard enough when they live close and we can be together physically. I haven't even met this guy face to face, though I do know a lot about him. Part of the problem is that I don't trust half of what he tells me. One of the first emails he sent me included a story of how he lost his last girlfriend because he lied to her. The lies were over stupid stuff, just to make him look better. Now, he tells me stories and I just blow them off like I know they are lies. I don't know if they are or not, but most of what he says is just unbelieveable. In addtion to all of that he has a cell phone on my account that we share minutes on, since we were killing my minutes by not having mobile to mobile. I very emphatically told him not to use that cell phone for calling anyone but me. He swears he isn't, but the bill tells me otherwise. Two months in a row now he has caused us to go over the anytime minutes alotment. Someone suggested I raise the minutes on the plan, but I wouldn't have to if he would just use the phone for what it was meant for - calling me. Needless to say, I just don't think this whole thing is going to work out much longer, unless I can find a way to trust him more.

So, goals for this week are to complete the order for 7 stockings and start some of the Christmas gift sewing I planned on doing this year. I know I will also have the normal chores in the barn and lugging in the firewood. It is about time to start thinking about Christmas cards too. That is usually my one big splurge for the holiday. Other things like wrapping paper and stuff, I don't mind going cheap on, but my Christmas cards always have to be "Leaning Tree" brand and usually feature horses or a farm scene. Just a thing I guess.

Now - off to the sewing machine!

What a day!

2007-11-30T19:27:00.000-05:00

Well the day started off pretty crappy! My dad and I got into an arguement over the money ($300) I owe him. He wants paid by the 7th of December or I have to get out. Just wish he could understand I am doing the best I can with what I have. So, I am praying that I am able to sell some purses and totes tomorrow at our church function to be able to catch up. I had some things to return to Sears so I just left the house and spent the day at the mall. Sears wouldn't give me my money back so I exchanged the stuff I had for an outfit I had been eyeing for weeks. With that the day got a little better. After browseing the mall for a while I came home and took care of some chores like bringing in firewood, cleaning the barns and stuff. I should be sewing, but I don't want to make up a bunch of purses that don't sell so I have decided that I am going to use what I have as samples and take my fabric samples in to take special orders. That way I won't have a bunch of fabric and time wrapped up in stuff that doesn't sell.

When I finally got a chance to slow down and check my emails I found that an old boyfriend from high school had emailed me. I haven't talked to him in AGES and I was so excited to hear from him. This may or may not cause issues with my guy in Montana that I met online. John's email was short - just to check to see if my email was the same, so I have no idea where he is in life or if anyone else is in his life. Right now I will keep my options open.

I also got an email from my buddy in Texas. Seeing mail from her always makes me smile. I feel like I have found my female soul mate. That might sound a little creapy, but I don't mean it in a homosexual way at all. She just understands me and what I am going through most of the time. Sometimes the stuff she writes in her emails, journals or on a forum we are members of could actually have come from my own finger tips. I just wish we lived closer to one another so we could spend time together, but emailing and talking on the phone is special too.

Now that I see those two paragraphs in print I find it kinda funny. The two most significant and rewarding relationships I have right now (aside from my daughter) are with people I have not met face to face. My buddy in Texas and my guy in Montana. What does that say about me? I will have to think on that for some time before I can answer that one.

Ok - so now I am off to have a Medifast shake and finish a jacket I started sewing last night. If I get it done I want to wear it to the church thing in the morning.

T-Minus 23 Days and Counting

2007-11-28T15:34:00.001-05:00

That is how many days I have until my ankle surgery. What a struggle this has been. I fell at work on Oct 10, 2005, twisted my ankle and was taken to the ER. X-Rays showed no breaks, and nobody could explain the new lump on my Achilles tendon so I was sent home. Since I was one of only 3 people that were scheduled to open the grocery store the next day, I went to work. That ended up being a huge mistake because from that point on everyone around me assumed that if I could return to work so soon, I must be OK. About a week later I scheduled an appointment with the foot doctor that had worked on a nerve problem in that same ankle. His reaction to my problem was that I probably had a partial tear in the Achilles tendon, but that I was to heavy to even consider surgery. He gave be a list of stretching exercises to do to strengthen the tendon and told me to wear shoes had elevated my heal.

Fast forward to October 2006. Still in pain and now unable to wear regular shoes because the lump on the Achilles was so large (I had to wear sandals or clogs) I continued too complain to my doctor about the pain and other issues. His response was to tell me to buy new shoes. I was at the end of my rope so I contacted another doctor and made an appointment. Dr Janis reviewed my case and was shocked to discover that the original doctor never even ordered an MRI. One was ordered and the results were staggering. Not only did I have a partial tear in the Achilles that was continuing to shred with every step, I also had two other completely torn tendons, two torn ligaments, a heal spur and a defect in a bone in my big toe (the last two were unrelated to the accident). Surgery was the only way I was going find relief. A request was sent in to Worker's Compensation only to be denied. Turns out the first doctor never even billed them so they were confused as to how I got from a simple sprained ankle to needing surgery and why it took a year to request it. I had go to court, and I won. Then my now former employer appealed the decision and I had to go to court again and I won. The whole process took 4 months, and during that time I continued to work at a McDonald's in a manager trainee program 40 hours a week on my feet.

On March 14, 2007, I finally had the surgery. In 3 hours Dr Janis completed 6 separate procedures including all of the above and the removal of the nerve the first doctor had worked on. It was so damaged it couldn't be repaired. I was placed on strict non-weight bearing status for 10 weeks. At the end of that 10 weeks, I was sent to physical therapy. All was going well and I had just been to Dr Janis's office for a follow up. He was going to order 2 more weeks of PT and he wanted me to get orthodics. I was told to plan on going back to work at the end of that 2 weeks.

In my next PT session, I was just finishing up some walking laps in the gym when I felt a horrific pain in the Achilles Tendon and heard a loud pop. This led to an other appt and another MRI. The results from that MRI would send me into a tailspin. The Achilles was torn again and I would need another surgery to repair it. This development did not please the owners of the grocery store who fought the decision to allow the new surgery. Two more times they took me to court to fight the allowance and two more times I won the battle. In September 2007, I was finally allowed to schedule the surgery, but found out that the soonest I could get in was December 21st.

That brings me to this week, Monday to be exact - November 26. I wanted to discuss the surgery with Dr Janis and let him know how I feel about the whole thing. During that appointment, I realized that I not only have to have the Achilles repaired, but that he will also have to cut my heal bone and move it over. He will pin the heal in the correct position. I guess the year and a half of walking on it incorrectly because of the injury caused the whole thing to shift. In addition to that, he may also decide to replace the Achilles with a donor piece instead of trying to repair mine. My response to that surprised him. I told him that I would actually rather have a whole new one put in, despite the extended recovery period of a few weeks, than to just repair it and possibly have to go through this all over again. I mean he did repair it once and it didn't last.

So, I go in on December 21 in the morning. The surgery will take a couple of hours and I am expected to stay at least one night in the hospital. After the first surgery, I was in the hospital for 3 days due to the pain and being unable to control it without the morphine pump. I know I will be home for Christmas, so I am not worried about that too much. I just know that I have to have all of my gift shopping and making done by the 20th.

I suppose some folks would be nervous about such a procedure. In my case, I am actually excited. Since March 14, I have been unable to work. I have been on pain pills for much longer than that. I will be happy to get my life back and THRILLED to be able to walk normally again. Sure that won't be until Spring, but at least I am seeing a light at the end of that tunnel.

My concern now, is getting to the sewing machine and getting started on those gifts that I am making so I don't disappoint anyone on Christmas.

Just Another RAINY Monday

2007-11-26T19:31:00.000-05:00

Ok, so Mondays are bad enough and grey rainy days are just as awful when you have to be out in them. Today was both! Since we are now so close to December, I am ready for SNOW. I know I know most people like to grump and groan and complain about that cold white stuff, but I really like it. I mean if the weather is going to be cold and wet, why not just snow. That would be so much better then such a depressing, muddy, murkey, gross, rainy day like today was. If I had not had the chance to talk to my pal in Texas I would have really been depressed (you know the whole seasonal affective mood disorder - or whatever they are calling it these days). We had a nice talk though so I found myself in a good place despite the weather.

I decided today would be a good day to try on some clothes. I have this suitcase in my closet full of clothing that I have purchased here and there since I started Medifast. Most of the stuff is from second hand clothing stores, or garage sales, but all of it is really nice and stuff I REALLY like. When I bought said items they were all too small by varying degrees and are now, slowly, beginning to fit. Today, I realized that one pair of jeans in that suitcase can now be added to my drawer since they now fit pretty well. I was also able to get out a couple of shirts and hang them in the closet. In addition to finding stuff that was too small that now fits, I also was able to purge a half a dozen shirts that used to fit fine, but are now too big. Needless to say, I actually had a nice evening cleaning out my closet and reorganizing my clothing.

I have noticed that my weightloss has slowed down, but I am not upset about that. I knew that 10 pounds a week was not going to last forever and that wouldn't be healthy anyway. I have been on the program now for 66 days, and I have lost just about 65 pounds. I am happy with an average of about a pound a day. My energy level is amazing. If someone had asked me to do some of the activities I am doing these days before MF, I would have laughed my head off. I mean, really, the other day I spent 2 hours stacking firewood which involved lugging it from one stack to another one arm-load at a time. In the past, I would have gotten out the John Deere and loaded up the bucket and used the tractor to do most of the work. I was actually disappointed today that I couldn't get out and carry some firewood or something. What I really need is a gym membership, but I can't afford that right now.

I am now comfortable with my decision to have another ankle surgery. Sure, I have known for a long time that it needed to be done. In fact, I have fought my former employer in court to get the approval to have it done. None of that helped with the anxiety of yet another surgery. Today, my doc and I had a long talk and he explained to me once again, just exactly what needs to be done and why. I am ready, now. December 21st is the big day. I asked if we could get any closer to Christmas, but they said no. I am OK with that though, God is in control of all of this and He knows best when this should be done.

So, plans for tomorrow include a trip to physical therapy to continue to prepare the ankle for the upcoming surgery and I REALLY MUST get some sewing done. If someone out there has any connection to a muse - I sure could use some inspiration about now.

Until next time....

Minus 2 Pounds Over Thanksgiving

2007-11-24T13:23:00.000-05:00

Ok, so how many people can actually brag that they lost 2 full pounds between the Tuesday and Friday of Thanksgiving week? That was quite an accomplishment for me to say the least. In the end I really didn't feel like I sacrificed anything though, so I am pleased with how it all came out.

Just finished a Pampered Chef Cooking Show. I was nervous about that too. For one, we had a brunch style menu that included NOTHING that is allowed on my plan. Second, my parties are usually flops with a ton of no-shows. Fortuneatly for my consultant though, I did have a good turn out (whew!) I had a Medifast bar while everyone else was munching on Citrus muffins, raisin bread, fruit salad and trail mix. I would have loved to taste one of those muffins and I really would have LOVED some banana chips, but I know that I would have ended up losing ground with my weight loss, so I remained strong.

Yesterday, I spent about 2 hours walking between the log pile behind our shed and the porch lugging firewood. I could have used a wheel barrow, but I figured I would get a great workout by carrying it up one arm load at a time. I woke up sore this morning, but I feel good. My buddy sent me some exercise tapes to try for a good workout, but I haven't watched them yet. I am so uncoordinated and I know I look rediculous doing those moves and even if nobody is watching I just feel silly. As long as the weather holds up I am going to continue walking as much as I can. Now that I have Deanna excited about shaping her body, she is walking with me and the dogs so I am more motivated than ever to get out there.

I would like to do some Christmas shopping, but I am completely broke right now. I did say that I wanted to take my time this year and really consider everyone and what I want for them before I just jump in and start buying. If I could get motivated, I would like to make quilts for my neices and my sister. I have so much sewing to get done, but I just can't seem to motivate myself to sit at the machine. Once I start, I am fine and sew like a mad woman. It just seems like I can always find something else to do instead. That is really weird too, because I love to sew.????

Well, I have to email some photos to my sis, then maybe I will force myself to get moving on some sewing projects.

Happy T-Day

2007-11-22T21:43:00.000-05:00

I relate to Thanksgiving this year as T-Day to help me remember of the trials of D-Day at the end of WWII. I knew that today was going to be difficult because of being on the Medifast Program with Take Shape for Life. I am allowed 5 Medifast products - shakes, puddings, oatmeals, bars or soups and one Lean and Green. That means our turkey dinner took on a whole new meaning for me. My supper consisted of a large salad, 7 oz of turkey breast and some mashed cauliflower (which I was trying for the first time and have to say it was darn good). While everyone else was chowing down on pie, my daughter and I took a couple of the dogs for a walk in the park.

Honestly, this wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Since I have lost almost 65 pounds since Sept 21st, many people have noticed and have reacted very positively towards me. Those victories have been able to keep me motivated to stay on the plan and continue to work towards my goal. I started this journey at 313 pounds. At that time, I wouldn't even state how much I actually did weigh. Now that I am down to the 250's, I am OK with admitting my starting weight. My goal is somewhere around 150. I know I have a very long way to go, but I am sure I will get there. Most days I am able to take this plan one day at a time, but there have been many times when I was down to one hour at a time. A popular Medifast saying is "I can do anything for 2-3 hours" which is the interval between meals. I find myself chanting that often some days, though most of the time I don't even think about it anymore.

I call this my "Medi-zone". Now that I have found that place where I am just coasting through the program, I am content with what I am doing. At this point the plan has become habit. Sure, I still crave a bacon egg and cheese bagel from McD's sometimes, but I work through that craving by reminding myself of why I chose to start Medifast. I want to be alive to enjoy my daughter's life, I want to watch her graduate from high school and go to college, fall in love and all that stuff. I want to be a part of her life, not just standing on the sidelines watching. She is very active and leaves me in her dust right now, and I am not happy with that situation. When I remind myself of the many reasons I chose this path, I am able to get over those cravings.

Sure the apple pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate chip cookies and sweet breads all looked very good and I REALLY wanted to chow down on some of them. That would have kicked me out of ketosis (fat burning stage) for at least 2-3 days. Those days would have been spent on the program trying to get back to where I was - back tracking - in my opinion, wasting time and money. Everytime I knock myself out of ketosis, I spend those 2-3 days catching up when I could have spent them losing fat. Medifast is not cheap, but it works. As long as I remember the investment I have made both financially, and physically to this program I am able to stay compliant to the plan.

I am a member of a forum and I try to help others through this program. Many of the members are genuinely trying to succeed, but many are self sabatoging themselves into oblivian. I get so frustrated with them constantly posting that they cheated her or messed up there. "OOPPS, I fell off the plan again today, just like I did yesterday and the day before." They are so blaze' about it as if they have no concern. They don't realize the damage they are doing.

I have this one friend who realized that she was falling into that trap so she decided to take a "time out" to re-evaluate her situation and decide if she wanted to recommit herself to the plan. She was the smart one! She realized how much time and energy AND MONEY she was wasting by constantly falling victim to a sandwich here and an extra snack there. By taking time off the plan and considering her options she realized how she was sabatoging her own success. Now she is ready to get back on and go gung ho toward her goal. I totally applauded her decision to take a break and evaluate her situation, but others on the forum chose to beat her up and kick her while she was down. She got responses saying how hard it would be to get back on and what a bad idea this was. Such hipocracy drove me insane. I finally blew my top and posted my "keep it real" post that really stirred the proverbial pot. It is bad enough to lie to each other, but for GOD'S sake, we HAVE to quit lieing to ourselves. She was doing that and I admire her courage to do so.

Ok, so - tomorrow is the "official" start to the Christmas season. I am NOT getting up at 3am to get to stores by 4am to fight for some silly item that is marked 1/2 off. This year, I am going to focus on who I am giving gifts to. I want to put some effort into gifting this year, not just get whatever looks good and is cheap. I know I can find "just the right gift" for each person on my list and still not go completely broke, if I just take my time and consider each person. This is where "its the thought that counts" comes into play. I plan on making the thought count by actually THINKING about it. I may even make most of my gifts, if I can get away from the computer and get in front of the sewing machine.

Speaking of getting away from the computer. I should be doing that now. I am putting a period at the end of another Thanksgiving. I find that I am thankful for many blessings and even some not so blessed things in my life that make up who I am. Most of all I am thankful for my God, who I know loves me and wants the best for me. He has guided me to at least one very important person in my life this year and blessed me with many memories with my daughter and other family members. I am not finacially rich, not even close, but I am truely blessed.

A New Chapter Begins Today

2007-11-21T22:53:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving Eve. Most folks don't find any significance to the evening before Thanksgiving except to begin preparations for the big feast. Utill this very minute, I have not ever afforded any significance to this day. I now vow to change that, for the eve before Thanksgiving should be a time we use to prepare ourselves to be Thankful. Sure, in a perfect world we would all be thankful for all of our blessings everyday we live. Everyone is blessed in some way, shape or form and we are often told that we should count those blessings and remember to be grateful for what we have, but do any of us REALLY do that on a daily basis? I doubt it.

What does it mean to be thankful or full of thanks? And who is it that we should be "giving" thanks to? To be thankful is to acknowledge the things and people in our lives that make getting up in the morning just a little easier, to appreciate each gift that has been given to us; both tangible and intangible, to fully understand the good that is present in our day to day existance.

Who do we give thanks to? We should give thanks to any and all who are responsible for all that is good in our lives. For me, that means first and foremost, God. For without God I am lost in this world. Others responsible for my joy are my parents, my daughter and other family members. I would also need to thank my dear friends for adding spice and laughter and animation to my daily existance. That person on the side walk today that smiled and said "Hi" also deserves thanks for adding a bright moment to an otherwise dreary, rainy day. I think I might have to thank the horses that allow me to cry on their strong necks and listen to my fears and worries without ever passing judgement on me. Then, what about Tucker, my dog, who is always the happiest to see me when I walk in the door and who never fails to let me know that he loves me no matter what? I think he deserves thanks too.

Most humans take life so seriously. We worry about money, time, taxes, food, weight, hair, car repairs and so many other things. I want to begin to live my life as if I knew I was going to die tomorrow. How much more would I appreciate the so-called "little things"? Does it really matter if my hair doesn't do just what I wanted it to today? Is it really important for me to check of everything on the "To-Do List" today? I don't think so, I think that spending time with my daughter, watching her ride or discussing her latest crush is much more important than anything else I can think of right now.

So, my preparation on this Thanksgiving Eve is to slow down and count the 10 most important aspects of my life that I am thankful for (in no particular order) ....

1. My daughter

2. The rest of my family

3. A GOD who loves me even when I fail

4. A place to call home, not just a place to live

5. My 5 senses, all working and in great condition

6. The serenity of the barn

7. Medifast

8. Tucker

9. My friend in Texas, whom I feel closer to than my sisters sometimes

10. My church family

And as I look toward the Christmas season my hope is that I do not lose sight of that list. May I continue to realize all that is good in my life and recognize that not all people have as much to be thankful for. I desire to be the one that can brighten someone's day, or to help someone in a way that nobody else can. I hope to remember that, though I may not be rich, there are millions of people who have less than I do.

I remember working at McDonnalds last Christmas season. It was a horribly cold day and I was miserable working in the drive-thru booth. A woman pulled up, placed her order and paid and I took the next car's order. That car was full of children and one frazeled woman just trying to get her chores done and get home for the day. Before the first car pulled away she handed me a $20 bill and told be to apply it to the order of the car behind her. She did not know the woman or any of the children, but she felt that God wanted her to help. I only wish that she could have seen the tears in the eyes of the woman she helped. Her order totaled $19.80. She was, indeed, at the end of her emotional rope and desparately needed this blessing in her life. I hope that in some way, I am able to do for someone what one woman did for another that day.

So, Thanksgiving will be a day for me to reflect on all that I have that is positive in my life. It will also be a time for me to review the negative and decide if there is any of it I can change. If I can, I hope to make those changes. If I cannot, I hope to be able to let it go.