Thursday, February 28, 2008

Geez it has been a long time

I haven't really avoided my journal, there just seems to be so much more to do these days.

Monday was a very difficult day. It started out with notification that my dear friend, Alicia Dupler, had only 24 hours to live. She had been fighting cancer for years and was so weak and so sick. At 10pm, I got the call that she had passed. The week has been different for me. I cry for my loss in such an amazing woman and then I smile because I know that she is out of pain and that her body is whole again.

The last time I physically saw her was the Sunday before my ankle surgery. She was sick then too and in pain from the Chemo, but that didn't stop her from giving me a HUGE bear hug and praying for my surgery to be a success.

God heard her and answered her prayers. My cast is now off and I am in a walking boot and starting PT. The first night of PT was amazing. The therapist was actually able to give my ankle a DEEP muscle massage right over the Achilles tendon and it didn't hurt! WOW. He couldn't believe how much better the ankle looks compared to when I was at this point last time. It is very clear and evident that this surgery worked!

I am still working on several quilts. One of them is for a baby and I would really like to get it done before he graduates college. One is for my sister - I gave her part of it for Christmas so I should be getting it done soon. Another is a special order for a friend, she has paid a deposit so that puts the pressure on. I am also going to be showing our colt this spring and summer so I will need to make myself some Horse showy outfits. I won't do that until the last minute though because I am back in weight loss mode and should start losing the pounds and inches again.

I did send Mark (the guy from the last post) packing. I just couldn't handle his demands and the way he constantly sabatoged my efforts to lose weight. While I am nearly desparate for a man in my life, I am not so down that I will tolerate being abused or used in any way.

My dad is being stupid about the money for rent last summer. I know I owe him, but I just don't have it to give to him. I am praying that God will help me find a way to pay him so that I still have a place to live in April (he wants it by the end of March or I am out.

There are only 11 more days until I leave for my trip to San Antonio, curtosy of My Coke Rewards points. I haven't ever had a vacation to myself so I am very greatful that I was able to "earn" a free ticket. My buddy, Steph, is going to put me up for a week and we are just going to do what ever. The River Walk, the Alamo, Sew World??? I can't wait.

So, that is the jest of what is going on here in Ohio. Oh, it is very cold here these days and we keep getting snow storm after snow storm. Since I am still kinda laid up it doesn't bug me like it does others. It won't be long before people are complaining about the heat

Until next time....

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Men Suck

Yep, I said it. After being out of the dating loop for about 15 years I have joined the ranks again, only to rediscover why I left in the first place. Men are just egotistical, self-serving, jerks. As much as I like being held, having my back rubbed and having someone else pay for my dinners, I will not fall victim to the games some of these idiots want to play. Like the guy I have known for 3 weeks who now insists that he loves me and misses me every minute we are not together, and yet NEVER answers the phone when I call. All hell breaks loose though when I miss a call from him or when I am not feeling up to going out. I have a friggen cast on my ankle, I am not in the mood to go out every evening - why can't he get that. His insecurity is already weighing me down, like his fear that my dad doesn't like him or the call from a Brad that was a wrong number. Then, when I invite him to go with me and my church to an event he says no, ok fine, you don't have to go. I didn't realize that his saying that he didn't want to go was some strange language for I can't go either. What they heck ? I have been my own woman for 15 years, other than my daughter I haven't had anyone to answer to for my actions and if I want to go to a museum with my church, I will be DAMNED if I am going to let a man, any man let alone one I have only known for 3 weeks make me feel guilty because of it. UGH!!

I am so sick of being alone and I am afraid that my feeling alone is going to suck me into a bad realtionship. What am I saying, I have already started one and I am afraid to let it go. All because I don't want to be alone again.

And people wonder why I turn to food for comfort. Well, not this time. Food is the enemy and is not going to comfort me. It will only hurt me and sabatoge my efforts to become the person that I have longed to be all my life.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Feeling Better

Isn't amazing how discussing issues with a friend and discovering that you are not the only one dealing with a particular issue relieves so much of the stress associated with that issue? That is what happened to me this morning when I talked to my buddy in San Antonio. She is also dealing with issues that surround staying on the Medifast program and admitted that she "cheated" yesterday. Since I haven't had a full day truly on plan since before my surgery, I have been feeling like a complete loser, but knowing that she is struggling too makes me feel a little better. It isn't like I want her to fail, but at least I know that I am not alone with this.

I also found that researching Borderline (BPD) yesterday and going over everything about it again, helped me deal the emotions I am dealing with right now. I have always known that BPD is always going to be a part of my life, but I hadn't had to deal with it for a while so I forgot many of my coping mechanisms. Putting those mechanisms to work and opening up myself a little has made the coping a little easier. The emotions and struggles are still there, but I am able separate them from each other so they are not so overwhelming. All of this is exhausting, but at least I am off of the proverbial ledge now.

Being able to post some new pics of my weight loss was also uplifting. Sometimes I feel like I am fishing for amazing reactions, but those reactions help me focus on the program a little more. Knowing that others are seeing the changes in my body and that it isn't just a figment of my imagination makes it all real.

Goals for this week.... as usual, I have quilts that need to be worked on, 3 consecutive days if 100% compliance to the program, I think those are enough to keep me busy and focused.

Friday, January 25, 2008

A Gentle Reminder to Me

The Mercurial Personality Style

Intensely committed to meeting life head on, this style takes action to make its dreams a reality. They wear their emotions on their sleeves, seeking the highs of passionate romance. This unconstrained style is a risk-taker, imaginative, curious, uninhibited, and engaging.

One of the signs of this style is a tendency to be moody and difficult to approach at times. The roller-coaster style of high-energy, constant motion, intense reactions, and changing passions can leave companions drained and overwhelmed. It can be difficult for those with this style to maintain a long-term relationship. Instead, their connections can be passionate and wonderful for a while but then transform into conflict and disenchantment. It can take a special commitment to be able to hold on with this style for the long haul.

Impulse control can be a challenge for those with the Mercurial Style. They sometimes confuse being authentic with unthinkingly voicing and acting on their emotions — no matter how inappropriate those sentiments or actions might be. They like to try new things and feel it is important to have their friends try them, too. Planning is not for them. Flexibility and ability to "go with the flow" is what is important. They never know when something new and exciting might pop up, and they don't want to miss it. At work, they can make creative contributions, but they need to be recognized for the work they do or else they lose interest.

A fictional character that fits this style well is Vivian played by Julia Roberts in the 1990 movie Pretty Woman. The simple plot of the movie is that a businessman (Richard Gere) needs a woman to go with him for several official evening functions. His solution is to hire a beautiful prostitute rather than endure the complications of asking one of the women of his acquaintance. The story shows how the two fall in love with each other. Vivian is unquestionably Mercurial: fun-loving, enthusiastic, charming, and willing to take a chance to pull off the charade. As the movie unfolds, the viewer can see the intensity of her growing connection with the businessman, the strength of the attachment they forge, the despair caused by the eventual friction between them, and the glory of their final reconciliation.


Borderline personality disorder is often a devastating mental condition, both for the people who have it and for those around them.

Perhaps shaped by harmful childhood experiences or brain dysfunctions, people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder live in a world of inner and outer turmoil. They have difficulty regulating their emotions and are often in a state of upheaval. They have distorted images of themselves, often feeling worthless and fundamentally bad or damaged.

And while they yearn for loving relationships, people with borderline personality disorder typically find that their anger, impulsivity, stormy attachments and frequent mood swings push others away.
Over the last 10 years, increasing awareness and research are helping improve the treatment and understanding of borderline personality disorder. At the same time, it remains a controversial condition, particularly since so many more women than men are diagnosed with it, raising questions about gender bias. Although definitive data are lacking, it's estimated that 1 percent to 2 percent of American adults have borderline personality disorder (BPD). It occurs in about one in every 33 women, compared with one in every 100 men, and is usually diagnosed in early adulthood.

Contrary to lingering perceptions, emerging evidence indicates that people with BPD often get better over time and that they can live happy, peaceful lives.

Signs and symptoms

Borderline personality disorder affects how people feel about themselves, how they relate to others and how they behave.

People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all. This unstable self-image can lead to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.

Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.

In addition, people with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior. This behavior often winds up hurting them, whether emotionally, financially or physically. For instance, they may drive recklessly, engage in unsafe sex, take illicit drugs or go on spending or gambling sprees. People with BPD also often engage in suicidal behavior or deliberately injure themselves for emotional relief.

Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Fear of being alone


Living with borderline personality disorder can be difficult. You may fully realize that your behaviors and thoughts are self-destructive or damaging yet feel unable to control them. Treatment can help you learn skills to manage and cope with your condition.

Other things you can do to help manage your condition and feel better about yourself include:
Sticking to your treatment plan
Attending therapy sessions as scheduled
Practicing healthy ways to ease painful emotions, rather than inflicting self-injury
Not blaming yourself for having the disorder but recognizing your responsibility to get it treated
Learning what things may trigger angry outbursts or impulsive behavior
Not being embarrassed by having this condition
Getting treatment for related problems, such as substance abuse
Educating yourself about the disorder so you understand its causes and treatments better
Reaching out to others with the disorder to share insights and experiences

Remember, there's no one right path to recovery from BPD. The condition seems to be worse in young adulthood and may gradually get better with age. Many people with the disorder find greater stability in their lives during their 30s and 40s. Their inner misery may lessen and they go on to sustain loving relationships and enjoy meaningful careers.

Taken from....

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Boring Saturday

Yep, that is what today is, just a boring Saturday. Usually, I am up in Mansfield with Deanna. Well, not actually "with" her really since she is snowboarding and I am sitting by the fire reading a book or at the mall or fabric store spending money I don't have, but you know what I mean. Today, my parents wanted to take her. I am sure there is more to the whole situation than just wanting to take her up there, but who knows with them. They have actually had the balls to say that they think I am a bad influence on my own daughter. She confessed that she had been less than honest with them on a few occasions and instead of that being all about her it turned into this argument over how I must be teaching her how to lie and encouraging her to it. Like a 16 year old needs to be trained in the art of lieing.

I guess it has been kind of nice to have the house to myself all day. Even though I know that everyone else knows that I am limited right now due to my surgery, I still feel like my mom is breathing down my neck to do something useful with myself instead of just watching TV or reading a book. My mother is the queen of guilt trips. So, I have watched a few hours of America's Next Top Model and What Not to Wear. I am starting to give myself a guilt trip about not being at the sewing machine getting some of those quilts done. Oh well, they will be there when I am ready.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

I am such a cheater...

Well, the title says it all and I have no excuse that is solid enough to stand on. Just when I was getting over the hunger issues and feeling like I was fully back into ketosis for the first time since my surgery, I cheated. Not just a little one either - a great big, flat out, no holds barred cheat. I just started dating a new guy. We have seen each other three times in that last three days. The first time we went to breakfast so I just got a veggie omelet, no problem - completely on plan. Well last night he took me to the Cracker Barrel and I started out great. I had roast beef, with salad and green beens off of the low carb section of the menu. I even let him have my biscuit. Then the waitress walked by with a dish of apple cobbler a la mode and I caved. Yup - I ordered one, but I only ate half. Still, I know that was way more than I can even think about getting away with. Then, today, he took me to Chinese, and I did it again. Well not dessert, but I know what I had was NOT allowed on the plan. I just hate to go out to eat and be so limited. When I am at home, I have no problems having MF supplements all day and eating a lean and green with my family. Now someone is taking me out to meals and I hate being a "picky" customer. This has got to stop though. I kinda like this guy and I don't want to stop going out with him, so I have got to come up with another way to handle the situation. Somehow, I have got to be able to order stuff that is on plan. This will take some thought and good old fashioned will power, but I HAVE to do it.

Alicia is still in the hospital, but she is doing a little better. I continue to pray for her healing everyday. She has asked not to have visitors, and I am trying to respect that, but I really want to see her.

While my ankle situation is a continuous drain on my energy and emotions, I am doing well. The pain is not so pronounced and I am able to get through the day with fewer pain pills than before the surgery. Not completely pain free, but already better than before which is a relief. The pain will increase again when Physical therapy starts, I am sure of that, but the end goal of PT will be strength and no pain. Still looks like March before I am even thinking about looking for a job again.

I did accomplish my goal of getting the diaper bag done for my friend to give to her daughter before the baby is born. I now have 3 quilts in various stages of "development", I would like to have Deanna's boyfriend's done to give to him on Saturday. This is a conceivable goal. My sister's is still incommplete so I need to get working on it, I should try to finish it by the end of the month. The last one I cut out is still just cut out with no sewing done on it at all and I have a baby quilt that isn't even started. Needless to say, I should be sewing. So I am getting off of here to do just that.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Good Days and Bad Days

Ok, so I know it is my fault, but today has not been a good one as far as my ankle is concerned. The problem is that I have good days when I am feeling great and in very little pain so I get out and do stuff - anything to get out of the house. Well, as usual, I overdid it yesterday. Deanna and I went up to Mansfield and spent the day with her boyfriend's family. We really basically just hung out at their house, but I was the one that drove for an hour both ways. The way up wasn't bad because I drove with my left foot and swung my right leg over the console to keep it up. The way home was when I made my mistake by using the toes on my right foot to push the gas and my left foot for the brake. I really didn't think it would make such a HUGE difference, but it did. My Achilles tendon has been screaming at me all day today.

On a sad note, a very dear friend of mine is very sick. She has been fighting stage 4, non-operable, metastatic breast cancer for several years now and even though she had been in remission it has returned. At her last appointment she was told that she is near the end of her options save for some experimental treatments. She will do anything, but now is suffering from a complicating pneumonia infection and is in the hospital. I have watched her fight this now for over a year (since I met her) and her faith in our loving and caring God has never waivered. She has stayed strong and walked through this with such grace that I am awe struck to even think about it. It is at times like these when I struggle with the way things are in the world. I am so tempted to get angry at God and scream and yell, "WHY?" When she was in remission, she gave all the thanks and glory to God, she was a living testimony to His healing powers. Why does she have to suffer through this? Why does her family have to watch her go through this and worry about losing her? She has a son that is a junior in high school and one that is in college, they are acting strong, but I know they are crying inside. Anyway, I wanted to put this in here to honor my friend Alicia Dupler and her fight against this horrible cancer.

I cannot think of my goals for the week right now. I guess I am too consumed by grief over Alicia's situation and my own pain to consider that today. I did get my doctor's scrub shirts done last week, and I got strips for anothe quilt cut out. Now I have 3 quilts to finish, an order for a tote bag and that diaper bag still needs to get sewn. Too much to think about right now.

Dear God, You know my heart is broken over Alicia and her circumstances. Right now I just pray that You will make your presence known to her in her hospital room. Wrap Your loving arms around her and quite her soul. Allow her to rest in Your lap tonight so that she will have the strength to fight her infection. Breath Your living breath into her lungs in order to heal her of the bacteria that has invaded them. Touch her body and reduce the size of the tumors on her liver and the cancer that is swimming in her blood and poisoning her bone marrow. Only You, Dear Heavenly Father, can heal her! I believe that You can. May Your will be done with this situation Lord. Please also be with Jim, Nathan and Blake. Wrap them also in Your loving embrace. Calm their spirits and their fears and let them know that You are in control. May all the honor and glory be unto You for the saving grace that You offer through Your Holy Son Jesus Christ. In His name I pray..... Amen

Be strong Alicia - don't give up my friend.