Isn't amazing how discussing issues with a friend and discovering that you are not the only one dealing with a particular issue relieves so much of the stress associated with that issue? That is what happened to me this morning when I talked to my buddy in San Antonio. She is also dealing with issues that surround staying on the Medifast program and admitted that she "cheated" yesterday. Since I haven't had a full day truly on plan since before my surgery, I have been feeling like a complete loser, but knowing that she is struggling too makes me feel a little better. It isn't like I want her to fail, but at least I know that I am not alone with this.
I also found that researching Borderline (BPD) yesterday and going over everything about it again, helped me deal the emotions I am dealing with right now. I have always known that BPD is always going to be a part of my life, but I hadn't had to deal with it for a while so I forgot many of my coping mechanisms. Putting those mechanisms to work and opening up myself a little has made the coping a little easier. The emotions and struggles are still there, but I am able separate them from each other so they are not so overwhelming. All of this is exhausting, but at least I am off of the proverbial ledge now.
Being able to post some new pics of my weight loss was also uplifting. Sometimes I feel like I am fishing for amazing reactions, but those reactions help me focus on the program a little more. Knowing that others are seeing the changes in my body and that it isn't just a figment of my imagination makes it all real.
Goals for this week.... as usual, I have quilts that need to be worked on, 3 consecutive days if 100% compliance to the program, I think those are enough to keep me busy and focused.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
A Gentle Reminder to Me
The Mercurial Personality Style
Intensely committed to meeting life head on, this style takes action to make its dreams a reality. They wear their emotions on their sleeves, seeking the highs of passionate romance. This unconstrained style is a risk-taker, imaginative, curious, uninhibited, and engaging.
One of the signs of this style is a tendency to be moody and difficult to approach at times. The roller-coaster style of high-energy, constant motion, intense reactions, and changing passions can leave companions drained and overwhelmed. It can be difficult for those with this style to maintain a long-term relationship. Instead, their connections can be passionate and wonderful for a while but then transform into conflict and disenchantment. It can take a special commitment to be able to hold on with this style for the long haul.
Impulse control can be a challenge for those with the Mercurial Style. They sometimes confuse being authentic with unthinkingly voicing and acting on their emotions — no matter how inappropriate those sentiments or actions might be. They like to try new things and feel it is important to have their friends try them, too. Planning is not for them. Flexibility and ability to "go with the flow" is what is important. They never know when something new and exciting might pop up, and they don't want to miss it. At work, they can make creative contributions, but they need to be recognized for the work they do or else they lose interest.
A fictional character that fits this style well is Vivian played by Julia Roberts in the 1990 movie Pretty Woman. The simple plot of the movie is that a businessman (Richard Gere) needs a woman to go with him for several official evening functions. His solution is to hire a beautiful prostitute rather than endure the complications of asking one of the women of his acquaintance. The story shows how the two fall in love with each other. Vivian is unquestionably Mercurial: fun-loving, enthusiastic, charming, and willing to take a chance to pull off the charade. As the movie unfolds, the viewer can see the intensity of her growing connection with the businessman, the strength of the attachment they forge, the despair caused by the eventual friction between them, and the glory of their final reconciliation.
Borderline....
Borderline personality disorder is often a devastating mental condition, both for the people who have it and for those around them.
Perhaps shaped by harmful childhood experiences or brain dysfunctions, people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder live in a world of inner and outer turmoil. They have difficulty regulating their emotions and are often in a state of upheaval. They have distorted images of themselves, often feeling worthless and fundamentally bad or damaged.
And while they yearn for loving relationships, people with borderline personality disorder typically find that their anger, impulsivity, stormy attachments and frequent mood swings push others away.
Over the last 10 years, increasing awareness and research are helping improve the treatment and understanding of borderline personality disorder. At the same time, it remains a controversial condition, particularly since so many more women than men are diagnosed with it, raising questions about gender bias. Although definitive data are lacking, it's estimated that 1 percent to 2 percent of American adults have borderline personality disorder (BPD). It occurs in about one in every 33 women, compared with one in every 100 men, and is usually diagnosed in early adulthood.
Contrary to lingering perceptions, emerging evidence indicates that people with BPD often get better over time and that they can live happy, peaceful lives.
Signs and symptoms
Borderline personality disorder affects how people feel about themselves, how they relate to others and how they behave.
People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all. This unstable self-image can lead to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.
In addition, people with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior. This behavior often winds up hurting them, whether emotionally, financially or physically. For instance, they may drive recklessly, engage in unsafe sex, take illicit drugs or go on spending or gambling sprees. People with BPD also often engage in suicidal behavior or deliberately injure themselves for emotional relief.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Fear of being alone
Self-care
Living with borderline personality disorder can be difficult. You may fully realize that your behaviors and thoughts are self-destructive or damaging yet feel unable to control them. Treatment can help you learn skills to manage and cope with your condition.
Other things you can do to help manage your condition and feel better about yourself include:
Sticking to your treatment plan
Attending therapy sessions as scheduled
Practicing healthy ways to ease painful emotions, rather than inflicting self-injury
Not blaming yourself for having the disorder but recognizing your responsibility to get it treated
Learning what things may trigger angry outbursts or impulsive behavior
Not being embarrassed by having this condition
Getting treatment for related problems, such as substance abuse
Educating yourself about the disorder so you understand its causes and treatments better
Reaching out to others with the disorder to share insights and experiences
Remember, there's no one right path to recovery from BPD. The condition seems to be worse in young adulthood and may gradually get better with age. Many people with the disorder find greater stability in their lives during their 30s and 40s. Their inner misery may lessen and they go on to sustain loving relationships and enjoy meaningful careers.
Taken from.... http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder
Intensely committed to meeting life head on, this style takes action to make its dreams a reality. They wear their emotions on their sleeves, seeking the highs of passionate romance. This unconstrained style is a risk-taker, imaginative, curious, uninhibited, and engaging.
One of the signs of this style is a tendency to be moody and difficult to approach at times. The roller-coaster style of high-energy, constant motion, intense reactions, and changing passions can leave companions drained and overwhelmed. It can be difficult for those with this style to maintain a long-term relationship. Instead, their connections can be passionate and wonderful for a while but then transform into conflict and disenchantment. It can take a special commitment to be able to hold on with this style for the long haul.
Impulse control can be a challenge for those with the Mercurial Style. They sometimes confuse being authentic with unthinkingly voicing and acting on their emotions — no matter how inappropriate those sentiments or actions might be. They like to try new things and feel it is important to have their friends try them, too. Planning is not for them. Flexibility and ability to "go with the flow" is what is important. They never know when something new and exciting might pop up, and they don't want to miss it. At work, they can make creative contributions, but they need to be recognized for the work they do or else they lose interest.
A fictional character that fits this style well is Vivian played by Julia Roberts in the 1990 movie Pretty Woman. The simple plot of the movie is that a businessman (Richard Gere) needs a woman to go with him for several official evening functions. His solution is to hire a beautiful prostitute rather than endure the complications of asking one of the women of his acquaintance. The story shows how the two fall in love with each other. Vivian is unquestionably Mercurial: fun-loving, enthusiastic, charming, and willing to take a chance to pull off the charade. As the movie unfolds, the viewer can see the intensity of her growing connection with the businessman, the strength of the attachment they forge, the despair caused by the eventual friction between them, and the glory of their final reconciliation.
Borderline....
Borderline personality disorder is often a devastating mental condition, both for the people who have it and for those around them.
Perhaps shaped by harmful childhood experiences or brain dysfunctions, people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder live in a world of inner and outer turmoil. They have difficulty regulating their emotions and are often in a state of upheaval. They have distorted images of themselves, often feeling worthless and fundamentally bad or damaged.
And while they yearn for loving relationships, people with borderline personality disorder typically find that their anger, impulsivity, stormy attachments and frequent mood swings push others away.
Over the last 10 years, increasing awareness and research are helping improve the treatment and understanding of borderline personality disorder. At the same time, it remains a controversial condition, particularly since so many more women than men are diagnosed with it, raising questions about gender bias. Although definitive data are lacking, it's estimated that 1 percent to 2 percent of American adults have borderline personality disorder (BPD). It occurs in about one in every 33 women, compared with one in every 100 men, and is usually diagnosed in early adulthood.
Contrary to lingering perceptions, emerging evidence indicates that people with BPD often get better over time and that they can live happy, peaceful lives.
Signs and symptoms
Borderline personality disorder affects how people feel about themselves, how they relate to others and how they behave.
People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all. This unstable self-image can lead to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals, values and gender identity.
Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.
In addition, people with BPD often engage in impulsive and risky behavior. This behavior often winds up hurting them, whether emotionally, financially or physically. For instance, they may drive recklessly, engage in unsafe sex, take illicit drugs or go on spending or gambling sprees. People with BPD also often engage in suicidal behavior or deliberately injure themselves for emotional relief.
Other signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently
Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Fear of being alone
Self-care
Living with borderline personality disorder can be difficult. You may fully realize that your behaviors and thoughts are self-destructive or damaging yet feel unable to control them. Treatment can help you learn skills to manage and cope with your condition.
Other things you can do to help manage your condition and feel better about yourself include:
Sticking to your treatment plan
Attending therapy sessions as scheduled
Practicing healthy ways to ease painful emotions, rather than inflicting self-injury
Not blaming yourself for having the disorder but recognizing your responsibility to get it treated
Learning what things may trigger angry outbursts or impulsive behavior
Not being embarrassed by having this condition
Getting treatment for related problems, such as substance abuse
Educating yourself about the disorder so you understand its causes and treatments better
Reaching out to others with the disorder to share insights and experiences
Remember, there's no one right path to recovery from BPD. The condition seems to be worse in young adulthood and may gradually get better with age. Many people with the disorder find greater stability in their lives during their 30s and 40s. Their inner misery may lessen and they go on to sustain loving relationships and enjoy meaningful careers.
Taken from.... http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Boring Saturday
Yep, that is what today is, just a boring Saturday. Usually, I am up in Mansfield with Deanna. Well, not actually "with" her really since she is snowboarding and I am sitting by the fire reading a book or at the mall or fabric store spending money I don't have, but you know what I mean. Today, my parents wanted to take her. I am sure there is more to the whole situation than just wanting to take her up there, but who knows with them. They have actually had the balls to say that they think I am a bad influence on my own daughter. She confessed that she had been less than honest with them on a few occasions and instead of that being all about her it turned into this argument over how I must be teaching her how to lie and encouraging her to it. Like a 16 year old needs to be trained in the art of lieing.
I guess it has been kind of nice to have the house to myself all day. Even though I know that everyone else knows that I am limited right now due to my surgery, I still feel like my mom is breathing down my neck to do something useful with myself instead of just watching TV or reading a book. My mother is the queen of guilt trips. So, I have watched a few hours of America's Next Top Model and What Not to Wear. I am starting to give myself a guilt trip about not being at the sewing machine getting some of those quilts done. Oh well, they will be there when I am ready.
I guess it has been kind of nice to have the house to myself all day. Even though I know that everyone else knows that I am limited right now due to my surgery, I still feel like my mom is breathing down my neck to do something useful with myself instead of just watching TV or reading a book. My mother is the queen of guilt trips. So, I have watched a few hours of America's Next Top Model and What Not to Wear. I am starting to give myself a guilt trip about not being at the sewing machine getting some of those quilts done. Oh well, they will be there when I am ready.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I am such a cheater...
Well, the title says it all and I have no excuse that is solid enough to stand on. Just when I was getting over the hunger issues and feeling like I was fully back into ketosis for the first time since my surgery, I cheated. Not just a little one either - a great big, flat out, no holds barred cheat. I just started dating a new guy. We have seen each other three times in that last three days. The first time we went to breakfast so I just got a veggie omelet, no problem - completely on plan. Well last night he took me to the Cracker Barrel and I started out great. I had roast beef, with salad and green beens off of the low carb section of the menu. I even let him have my biscuit. Then the waitress walked by with a dish of apple cobbler a la mode and I caved. Yup - I ordered one, but I only ate half. Still, I know that was way more than I can even think about getting away with. Then, today, he took me to Chinese, and I did it again. Well not dessert, but I know what I had was NOT allowed on the plan. I just hate to go out to eat and be so limited. When I am at home, I have no problems having MF supplements all day and eating a lean and green with my family. Now someone is taking me out to meals and I hate being a "picky" customer. This has got to stop though. I kinda like this guy and I don't want to stop going out with him, so I have got to come up with another way to handle the situation. Somehow, I have got to be able to order stuff that is on plan. This will take some thought and good old fashioned will power, but I HAVE to do it.
Alicia is still in the hospital, but she is doing a little better. I continue to pray for her healing everyday. She has asked not to have visitors, and I am trying to respect that, but I really want to see her.
While my ankle situation is a continuous drain on my energy and emotions, I am doing well. The pain is not so pronounced and I am able to get through the day with fewer pain pills than before the surgery. Not completely pain free, but already better than before which is a relief. The pain will increase again when Physical therapy starts, I am sure of that, but the end goal of PT will be strength and no pain. Still looks like March before I am even thinking about looking for a job again.
Goals...
I did accomplish my goal of getting the diaper bag done for my friend to give to her daughter before the baby is born. I now have 3 quilts in various stages of "development", I would like to have Deanna's boyfriend's done to give to him on Saturday. This is a conceivable goal. My sister's is still incommplete so I need to get working on it, I should try to finish it by the end of the month. The last one I cut out is still just cut out with no sewing done on it at all and I have a baby quilt that isn't even started. Needless to say, I should be sewing. So I am getting off of here to do just that.
Alicia is still in the hospital, but she is doing a little better. I continue to pray for her healing everyday. She has asked not to have visitors, and I am trying to respect that, but I really want to see her.
While my ankle situation is a continuous drain on my energy and emotions, I am doing well. The pain is not so pronounced and I am able to get through the day with fewer pain pills than before the surgery. Not completely pain free, but already better than before which is a relief. The pain will increase again when Physical therapy starts, I am sure of that, but the end goal of PT will be strength and no pain. Still looks like March before I am even thinking about looking for a job again.
Goals...
I did accomplish my goal of getting the diaper bag done for my friend to give to her daughter before the baby is born. I now have 3 quilts in various stages of "development", I would like to have Deanna's boyfriend's done to give to him on Saturday. This is a conceivable goal. My sister's is still incommplete so I need to get working on it, I should try to finish it by the end of the month. The last one I cut out is still just cut out with no sewing done on it at all and I have a baby quilt that isn't even started. Needless to say, I should be sewing. So I am getting off of here to do just that.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Good Days and Bad Days
Ok, so I know it is my fault, but today has not been a good one as far as my ankle is concerned. The problem is that I have good days when I am feeling great and in very little pain so I get out and do stuff - anything to get out of the house. Well, as usual, I overdid it yesterday. Deanna and I went up to Mansfield and spent the day with her boyfriend's family. We really basically just hung out at their house, but I was the one that drove for an hour both ways. The way up wasn't bad because I drove with my left foot and swung my right leg over the console to keep it up. The way home was when I made my mistake by using the toes on my right foot to push the gas and my left foot for the brake. I really didn't think it would make such a HUGE difference, but it did. My Achilles tendon has been screaming at me all day today.
On a sad note, a very dear friend of mine is very sick. She has been fighting stage 4, non-operable, metastatic breast cancer for several years now and even though she had been in remission it has returned. At her last appointment she was told that she is near the end of her options save for some experimental treatments. She will do anything, but now is suffering from a complicating pneumonia infection and is in the hospital. I have watched her fight this now for over a year (since I met her) and her faith in our loving and caring God has never waivered. She has stayed strong and walked through this with such grace that I am awe struck to even think about it. It is at times like these when I struggle with the way things are in the world. I am so tempted to get angry at God and scream and yell, "WHY?" When she was in remission, she gave all the thanks and glory to God, she was a living testimony to His healing powers. Why does she have to suffer through this? Why does her family have to watch her go through this and worry about losing her? She has a son that is a junior in high school and one that is in college, they are acting strong, but I know they are crying inside. Anyway, I wanted to put this in here to honor my friend Alicia Dupler and her fight against this horrible cancer.
I cannot think of my goals for the week right now. I guess I am too consumed by grief over Alicia's situation and my own pain to consider that today. I did get my doctor's scrub shirts done last week, and I got strips for anothe quilt cut out. Now I have 3 quilts to finish, an order for a tote bag and that diaper bag still needs to get sewn. Too much to think about right now.
Dear God, You know my heart is broken over Alicia and her circumstances. Right now I just pray that You will make your presence known to her in her hospital room. Wrap Your loving arms around her and quite her soul. Allow her to rest in Your lap tonight so that she will have the strength to fight her infection. Breath Your living breath into her lungs in order to heal her of the bacteria that has invaded them. Touch her body and reduce the size of the tumors on her liver and the cancer that is swimming in her blood and poisoning her bone marrow. Only You, Dear Heavenly Father, can heal her! I believe that You can. May Your will be done with this situation Lord. Please also be with Jim, Nathan and Blake. Wrap them also in Your loving embrace. Calm their spirits and their fears and let them know that You are in control. May all the honor and glory be unto You for the saving grace that You offer through Your Holy Son Jesus Christ. In His name I pray..... Amen
Be strong Alicia - don't give up my friend.
On a sad note, a very dear friend of mine is very sick. She has been fighting stage 4, non-operable, metastatic breast cancer for several years now and even though she had been in remission it has returned. At her last appointment she was told that she is near the end of her options save for some experimental treatments. She will do anything, but now is suffering from a complicating pneumonia infection and is in the hospital. I have watched her fight this now for over a year (since I met her) and her faith in our loving and caring God has never waivered. She has stayed strong and walked through this with such grace that I am awe struck to even think about it. It is at times like these when I struggle with the way things are in the world. I am so tempted to get angry at God and scream and yell, "WHY?" When she was in remission, she gave all the thanks and glory to God, she was a living testimony to His healing powers. Why does she have to suffer through this? Why does her family have to watch her go through this and worry about losing her? She has a son that is a junior in high school and one that is in college, they are acting strong, but I know they are crying inside. Anyway, I wanted to put this in here to honor my friend Alicia Dupler and her fight against this horrible cancer.
I cannot think of my goals for the week right now. I guess I am too consumed by grief over Alicia's situation and my own pain to consider that today. I did get my doctor's scrub shirts done last week, and I got strips for anothe quilt cut out. Now I have 3 quilts to finish, an order for a tote bag and that diaper bag still needs to get sewn. Too much to think about right now.
Dear God, You know my heart is broken over Alicia and her circumstances. Right now I just pray that You will make your presence known to her in her hospital room. Wrap Your loving arms around her and quite her soul. Allow her to rest in Your lap tonight so that she will have the strength to fight her infection. Breath Your living breath into her lungs in order to heal her of the bacteria that has invaded them. Touch her body and reduce the size of the tumors on her liver and the cancer that is swimming in her blood and poisoning her bone marrow. Only You, Dear Heavenly Father, can heal her! I believe that You can. May Your will be done with this situation Lord. Please also be with Jim, Nathan and Blake. Wrap them also in Your loving embrace. Calm their spirits and their fears and let them know that You are in control. May all the honor and glory be unto You for the saving grace that You offer through Your Holy Son Jesus Christ. In His name I pray..... Amen
Be strong Alicia - don't give up my friend.
Friday, January 11, 2008
FREEDOM - at last
Wow, how great it was to get OUT OF THE HOUSE yesterday and by myself at that! My mom had a doctor's appointment at the same time mine was and I am not keen on hanging out with my dad these days so I decided to drive myself to see Dr Janis. He had the nurse take all of the stiches out (I think I counted something like 50 or so) and put me in a hard cast. At first the cast hurt because I had to hang my foot over the table while it dried, but as soon as I was able to get my foot propped up again the swelling went down and I was fine.
Actually, I was too fine, because I felt good enough to take advantage of my freedom and stop at a few stores. After a few hours on my little knee scooter, I was pretty drained and getting a little sore. I can't believe how fast I pooped out though. Most of the time, I am a typical "shop till you drop" kinda woman and it usually takes all day for me to drop, but I got tired in just a few hours. Anyway, I got what I needed; some fabric, sweats for my daughter, some summer clothes on super duper clearance for me. I paid for all that activity today though. While my ankle doesn't really hurt, my knee (the one I use to kneel on the scooter with), my hips and my back are pretty sore. Oh well, I still think it was worth it all to get out.
I need to check the SnowTrails Website to see if they will be open tomorrow. The weather here had sucked for anyone who likes winter. We have had nothing but grey rain and gloom for the past few days. Deanna is hoping that it will be cold enough tonight for them to crank up the snow making machines for opening tomorrow. We'll see I suppose. She has some stuff to get done in the barn in the morning anyway. One of the horses, the colt she named Cash, keeps getting out of our pasture into the neighbor's pasture while it isn't the end of the world, it would be nice if he would stay home. The fence needs fixed where he is getting out and he is full of burrs which need to be brushed/combed/cut out of his tail and mane. That will take some time for her to do. I would do it but, alas I can't and believe me I would like to. I miss being out with the horses!
Well, that is all to report for now. Time for a hot bath, a cozy blanket and a good book.
Actually, I was too fine, because I felt good enough to take advantage of my freedom and stop at a few stores. After a few hours on my little knee scooter, I was pretty drained and getting a little sore. I can't believe how fast I pooped out though. Most of the time, I am a typical "shop till you drop" kinda woman and it usually takes all day for me to drop, but I got tired in just a few hours. Anyway, I got what I needed; some fabric, sweats for my daughter, some summer clothes on super duper clearance for me. I paid for all that activity today though. While my ankle doesn't really hurt, my knee (the one I use to kneel on the scooter with), my hips and my back are pretty sore. Oh well, I still think it was worth it all to get out.
I need to check the SnowTrails Website to see if they will be open tomorrow. The weather here had sucked for anyone who likes winter. We have had nothing but grey rain and gloom for the past few days. Deanna is hoping that it will be cold enough tonight for them to crank up the snow making machines for opening tomorrow. We'll see I suppose. She has some stuff to get done in the barn in the morning anyway. One of the horses, the colt she named Cash, keeps getting out of our pasture into the neighbor's pasture while it isn't the end of the world, it would be nice if he would stay home. The fence needs fixed where he is getting out and he is full of burrs which need to be brushed/combed/cut out of his tail and mane. That will take some time for her to do. I would do it but, alas I can't and believe me I would like to. I miss being out with the horses!
Well, that is all to report for now. Time for a hot bath, a cozy blanket and a good book.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Cabin Fever
Ok, so I know that many people suffer from what we call "cabin fever" during this time of the year. Most often that is because the weather sucks and forces us to stay inside. I was actually happy that my surgery was schedualed in December for that very reason. Well, just to prove that He has a sense of humor God has decided to play a trick on me. The weather in Central Ohio for the last 3 days has included record highs and sunny skies. I mean good grief, it looks like spring out there. Unfortunatly, I can't enjoy it... really. I have decided that I want to show one of our horses this summer. In order to do that he will need some work -- training and conditioning - can I do that right now? NO. And why is that? Because I can only stand on my left leg and my right ankle aches when I stand for too long. UGH! So, I am suffering from a HUGE and SEVERE case of cabin fever.
This morning I thought I was going to go completely loopy if I had to watch just one more minute of TV so I did something about it. I went to the mall ------ by myself. I drive a small SUV (Isuzu Rodeo) which has a low console in the front. I swung my right leg over the console and used my left foot to work the brake and gas. It didn't take long to get the hang of it and in the long run it was worth it. Aero had some mega 70% off of the clearance price sales so I got some cute summer shirts in what is going to me my new size by then. Another store, Goodies, also had some mega sales which netted me some shirts and shorts for a couple bucks each. Nothing like spending money on oneself to boost the spirits.
Because I spent some time away from home I was able to succesfully battle some cravings for foods I am not allowed to have on my program. I have discovered that being stuck on the couch unable to do anything even remotely constructive can be hugely destructive! Now, I must hit the sewing machine and finish those scrubs shirts I have started for my doc so I can give them to him tomorrow.
Goals for today and tomorrow -- 1. finish doc's shirts. 2. at least complete sister's quilt top 3. get diaper bag done for friend before baby is born 4. get fabric cut for baby quilt.
5 STAY ON PROGRAM!
This morning I thought I was going to go completely loopy if I had to watch just one more minute of TV so I did something about it. I went to the mall ------ by myself. I drive a small SUV (Isuzu Rodeo) which has a low console in the front. I swung my right leg over the console and used my left foot to work the brake and gas. It didn't take long to get the hang of it and in the long run it was worth it. Aero had some mega 70% off of the clearance price sales so I got some cute summer shirts in what is going to me my new size by then. Another store, Goodies, also had some mega sales which netted me some shirts and shorts for a couple bucks each. Nothing like spending money on oneself to boost the spirits.
Because I spent some time away from home I was able to succesfully battle some cravings for foods I am not allowed to have on my program. I have discovered that being stuck on the couch unable to do anything even remotely constructive can be hugely destructive! Now, I must hit the sewing machine and finish those scrubs shirts I have started for my doc so I can give them to him tomorrow.
Goals for today and tomorrow -- 1. finish doc's shirts. 2. at least complete sister's quilt top 3. get diaper bag done for friend before baby is born 4. get fabric cut for baby quilt.
5 STAY ON PROGRAM!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Just Feel Like Pouting
Well, maybe "pouting" isn't quite the right word, maybe "sulking" is more accurate. I am suffering from a case of cabin fever from being shut in the house at least days a week since my surgery. The only time I get out is when I go to my doctor's appointments and to ride with my daughter to Mansfield to go snowboarding. We did go to church on Sunday and that was nice, but I would have liked to stay for the class after church and Deanna wanted to go home, so we went home. While I am doing my best to keep busy by sewing or working on other projects, I can't sit at the machine for too long without causing pain or at least discomfort in my ankle, hip and back. I found myself on the couch watching mindless TV shows all day today. This isn't like me at all! Since I started my nutrition program I have been active by working in the barn, bringing in firewood or walking at the nearby arboritum, but I can't do any of that right now because of my ankle surgery. The whole farm is one big mud pit right now so I can't even work my way out to the barn to say hi to the horses. At least if the ground were dry or (even better) frozen, my little scooter thing that I get around on would make it out to the barn. As it is I am pretty much stuck in the house or, at best, on the porch. I am not sure if I can do 4 more weeks of this without having a break down! I don't have much choice though do I ?
My parents are observing a sort of truce at this point, well they aren't yelling at each other at any rate. That might be because they really aren't speaking to each other either. I just hate the way my dad treat people in general, especially the way he treats my mom and the rest of us in the household. He acts like he is supreme ruler and we must all bow to his wishes, like it or not and when things don't go his way he just blows up. Nothing pleases him and I am really getting sick of living this way. I don't have any other options at this point, though, so I guess I will just have to deal with it.
I am fighting to stay with my nutrition program. The last time I had surgery I gained a bunch of weight which put my at my all time high of 313 pounds. I have lost about 70 pounds of that since I started the program on Sept 21, 2007, but I had to go off the plan for a time to prepare for surgery. If being off the plan didn't accomplish anything else, I at least learned that I am not ready to have "free rein" with food yet. I was hoping that I was going to be able to add a few more healthy calories and yet stay reasonable about eating. WRONG!! Even though I was aware of the potential for problems I let go too far. I over indulged in too many sweets which have always been my pitfall. My new goal for this program is to be able to "deal" with foods better when I get to a point that I am ready to start transition and maintenance.
This week is teaching me all about emotional eating and eating because of being bored. While this has been a struggle, I am at least learning something from it. If I can get through this time while I recover from the surgery, being stuck at home and unable to be active without succombing to my cravings for food, I will be able to use these lessons when I am off the program. Putting this all in a journal will make it easier for me to remind myself of my issues with food and emotional eating.
Goals for this week... 1. Finish the scrubs I am making for my doctor in time to take them to my appointment on Thursday.
2. Complete my sister's quilt to give to her on Sunday 3. Finish diaper bag my friend ordered for her daughter before the baby is born 4. Finish at least the top of the snowboarding quilt I started 5. stay on program
My parents are observing a sort of truce at this point, well they aren't yelling at each other at any rate. That might be because they really aren't speaking to each other either. I just hate the way my dad treat people in general, especially the way he treats my mom and the rest of us in the household. He acts like he is supreme ruler and we must all bow to his wishes, like it or not and when things don't go his way he just blows up. Nothing pleases him and I am really getting sick of living this way. I don't have any other options at this point, though, so I guess I will just have to deal with it.
I am fighting to stay with my nutrition program. The last time I had surgery I gained a bunch of weight which put my at my all time high of 313 pounds. I have lost about 70 pounds of that since I started the program on Sept 21, 2007, but I had to go off the plan for a time to prepare for surgery. If being off the plan didn't accomplish anything else, I at least learned that I am not ready to have "free rein" with food yet. I was hoping that I was going to be able to add a few more healthy calories and yet stay reasonable about eating. WRONG!! Even though I was aware of the potential for problems I let go too far. I over indulged in too many sweets which have always been my pitfall. My new goal for this program is to be able to "deal" with foods better when I get to a point that I am ready to start transition and maintenance.
This week is teaching me all about emotional eating and eating because of being bored. While this has been a struggle, I am at least learning something from it. If I can get through this time while I recover from the surgery, being stuck at home and unable to be active without succombing to my cravings for food, I will be able to use these lessons when I am off the program. Putting this all in a journal will make it easier for me to remind myself of my issues with food and emotional eating.
Goals for this week... 1. Finish the scrubs I am making for my doctor in time to take them to my appointment on Thursday.
2. Complete my sister's quilt to give to her on Sunday 3. Finish diaper bag my friend ordered for her daughter before the baby is born 4. Finish at least the top of the snowboarding quilt I started 5. stay on program
Friday, January 4, 2008
~What A Horrible Morning~
I woke up this morning to the sounds of my parents screaming at each other. My dad was actually saying the "F" word which is strictly taboo in our house. Such a fine way to start the day. In my heart of hearts I know that both of them would be so much happier apart. The older my dad gets the worse his attitude gets and the less concerned he is about other people's feelings. He really just doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself but he can't see that. I guess he can't see it because he is too wrapped up in himself to care.
On top of all that junk I slipped and landed on my bad ankle earlier. It really hurts now, but I don't think I did any damage. Since everyone else in my house is too wrapped up in beating each other down, I just kept the accident to myself, took a couple of pain pills and came down to vent on the computer. Right now it is still throbbing, but it hasn't been long enough for the pain killers to kick in. I suppose I will call the doctor's office later if it doesn't get better or if it gets any worse.
I am hoping to get something accomplished at the sewing machine today. My daughter's enthusiasm over her quilt lifted my spirits some. I had been so discouraged and frustrated lately over the basic failure of my purses and totes. I sunk a lot of cash into fabric and supplies to make a bunch of items only to discover that I can't sell them. With all the money and time I have wrapped up in them, I can't sell them for what Wal-Mart sells their stuff for and people just don't want to pay for the quality. Now I am broke and have two boxes of what is basically junk taking up room in my closet. With the mood that I am in now, I feel like just taking it all out to the burn pile a striking a match. I couldn't even get it right when I picked out fabric to make my neice a tote. When I showed it to my sister (her mom) she was not affraid to tell me that it was all wrong. UGH! So, anyway, I guess I will stop fretting over what went wrong and start working on what I know is going right. At this point that would be my sister's quilt. Her's is the next thing I would really like to get finished.
Goals for today...
1. complete the remaining blocks for sister's quilt.
2. remain on MF plan dispite the crushing urge to binge on anything to
supress some pretty yucky emotions.
3. get ankle pain under control
That should keep me busy for a while.
On top of all that junk I slipped and landed on my bad ankle earlier. It really hurts now, but I don't think I did any damage. Since everyone else in my house is too wrapped up in beating each other down, I just kept the accident to myself, took a couple of pain pills and came down to vent on the computer. Right now it is still throbbing, but it hasn't been long enough for the pain killers to kick in. I suppose I will call the doctor's office later if it doesn't get better or if it gets any worse.
I am hoping to get something accomplished at the sewing machine today. My daughter's enthusiasm over her quilt lifted my spirits some. I had been so discouraged and frustrated lately over the basic failure of my purses and totes. I sunk a lot of cash into fabric and supplies to make a bunch of items only to discover that I can't sell them. With all the money and time I have wrapped up in them, I can't sell them for what Wal-Mart sells their stuff for and people just don't want to pay for the quality. Now I am broke and have two boxes of what is basically junk taking up room in my closet. With the mood that I am in now, I feel like just taking it all out to the burn pile a striking a match. I couldn't even get it right when I picked out fabric to make my neice a tote. When I showed it to my sister (her mom) she was not affraid to tell me that it was all wrong. UGH! So, anyway, I guess I will stop fretting over what went wrong and start working on what I know is going right. At this point that would be my sister's quilt. Her's is the next thing I would really like to get finished.
Goals for today...
1. complete the remaining blocks for sister's quilt.
2. remain on MF plan dispite the crushing urge to binge on anything to
supress some pretty yucky emotions.
3. get ankle pain under control
That should keep me busy for a while.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
WOW! Been a while....
OK, so I have not been very diligent at this blogging thing recently. With Christmas and the surgery time online has been limited. I did get Deanna's quilt done, but I had to give my sister just her quilt top and tell her to give it back to me so I can finish the quilt.
The surgery went well, but the pain level is still higher than before the procedure. I guess I am asking too much for it to be any lower only two weeks out.
We survivied Christmas, even though it was a slim one. The new year has come and with it time to ponder where I want my life to go from here. I would really like to see myself in meaningful relationship with a man by the end of 2008. Being alone in this world SUCKS and I am tired of it. Sure, I have family and a few friends, but I am still truely lonely and longing for a special man to enter into my life. Jan 2, 2008 was day one back on the Medifast plan. I had to take time off and add calories for the healing process due to the surgery. My intention for that time off was to basically be in a transition state, but I really went WAY off and indulged in some sweets and other "bad" foods.
With regard to my weight, my goal is to get to a point that I see food as a fuel and not as anything else. So many times, I look to food for comfort and that just has to stop. Sure, it is OK to enjoy what we eat, but I need to learn to eat to live not live to eat. I want to get to a place where I feel comfortable eating whatever it is I am eating in front of my family instead of being embarassed by what I am eating and trying to hide. Maybe my irrational brain is telling me that if nobody sees me eat it then it doesn't count. What a line of bull crap that is.
I want to continue my relationship with my buddy in TX and now I am starting a new support relationship with someone new in CA. My goal is to help them while they help me through the rough spots in the program. It would even be nice to be able to visit TX sometime.
Well, more on thoughts for the new year later. Time to put the foot up and ice it down.
Blessings to ALL in 2008.
The surgery went well, but the pain level is still higher than before the procedure. I guess I am asking too much for it to be any lower only two weeks out.
We survivied Christmas, even though it was a slim one. The new year has come and with it time to ponder where I want my life to go from here. I would really like to see myself in meaningful relationship with a man by the end of 2008. Being alone in this world SUCKS and I am tired of it. Sure, I have family and a few friends, but I am still truely lonely and longing for a special man to enter into my life. Jan 2, 2008 was day one back on the Medifast plan. I had to take time off and add calories for the healing process due to the surgery. My intention for that time off was to basically be in a transition state, but I really went WAY off and indulged in some sweets and other "bad" foods.
With regard to my weight, my goal is to get to a point that I see food as a fuel and not as anything else. So many times, I look to food for comfort and that just has to stop. Sure, it is OK to enjoy what we eat, but I need to learn to eat to live not live to eat. I want to get to a place where I feel comfortable eating whatever it is I am eating in front of my family instead of being embarassed by what I am eating and trying to hide. Maybe my irrational brain is telling me that if nobody sees me eat it then it doesn't count. What a line of bull crap that is.
I want to continue my relationship with my buddy in TX and now I am starting a new support relationship with someone new in CA. My goal is to help them while they help me through the rough spots in the program. It would even be nice to be able to visit TX sometime.
Well, more on thoughts for the new year later. Time to put the foot up and ice it down.
Blessings to ALL in 2008.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)